


let the band play out

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Domestic Fluff, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Living Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, POV Alternating, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-05-13 18:04:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19256374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: “Why aren’t you wearing socks? You’re going to catch a cold."“Come on, we’re paying all the bills to keep this place warm, no one is getting sick.”“Stop distracting me or you’re not getting your food. Go and get dressed, we keep the dress code in here.”“You’re a pest.”“But I’m feeding you.”“That’s the only reason I’m keeping you here.”Javi and Yuzu's life in Toronto is simple, sharing every moment together, quiet and comfortable. But then something happens, something terrifying and important, and they're both forced to fight for their future while trying to save their past.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [K1mHeechu1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/gifts).



> I just can't live without having at least four WIPs going on, and all the responsibilities just make me stress- write, so here we go! It's a gift for my beautiful wife, who also gave me this plot idea and betaed it for me. Ily, thank you for everything <3  
> Title stolen from 'Salvation' by Gabrielle Aplin.  
> I hope you enjoy!

 

Javi woke up wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and sighed contentedly, nuzzling against the soft pillow. He was feeling a bit too hot, but he was also too sleepy and lazy to do anything about it. Also, he was pretty sure his alarm was going to ring in a few minutes, so he decided not to bother. So, he lay there for a few minutes longer, enjoying the soft warmth of the sheets; his slightly dizzy mind was registering quiet cluttering coming from the kitchen and could smell a faint scent of coffee.

Javier smiled to himself, and when his alarm started screaming five minutes later, he didn’t really mind. He jumped out of the bed, stretching his body a bit before folding all the blankets and making his bed look less like a lair. Before leaving the room, he glanced outside and sighed deeply when he saw a bunch of snowflakes dancing behind his window. His feelings for snow were complicated, but he decided to enjoy the morning anyway.

He almost stumbled over Effie right after leaving his bedroom, and she gave him an offended look before walking away with her tail up.

“Sorry, sorry.” Javi chuckled, shaking his head before going to the kitchen, a wide smile forming on his lips as he saw a familiar silhouette mixing eggs in a bowl “Good morning!”

Yuzuru turned around and gave him a wide smile. It was barely 7am, but Yuzuru was already cleaned up perfectly, dressed properly, hair combed, and expression focused as he prepared breakfast.

“Hello. Coffee.” he said, nodding towards the coffee machine and Javi clutched at his heart.

“You’re such an angel.” he sighed, pouring himself a big mug of coffee and then walking back to Yuzuru, who looked at him with slight disapproval.

“Why aren’t you wearing socks? You’re going to catch a cold."  
“Come on, we’re paying all the bills to keep this place warm, no one is getting sick.” Javi announced and then pressed a quick kiss to Yuzuru's cheek, making him screech.

“Stop distracting me or you’re not getting your food.” he said, threatening Javi with a spatula. “Go and get dressed, we keep the dress code in here.”

“You’re a pest.”

“But I’m feeding you.”

“That’s the only reason I’m keeping you here.” Javi laughed over his shoulder as he walked back to the bedroom, that time almost tripping over another kitten that meowed loudly at him, rubbing against his leg.

“Oh, you want to go with me?” Javi asked, picking the kitten up and carrying her to his bedroom “There you go.” he said, putting Hoshi on his bed and letting her play in the blankets while he was searching his closet for something to wear to the rink. When he was ready five minutes later Hoshi was already asleep, and Javi smiled fondly. Yuzuru had brought the kitten home only two weeks earlier, all big eyes and small paws, and now she was an important member of their household already.

“How many sessions do you have today?” Javi asked Yuzuru when they were sitting by the table, eating their scrambled eggs, one of a few meals Yuzuru had mastered.

“I end at two, and then I need to have a talk with Brian.”

“Still earlier than me.” Javi sighed with jealousy “You mind taking care of the groceries today?”

“Nah, I can totally do it.” Yuzuru shrugged, glancing at the grocery list that was hanging on the fridge and then sending Javi a mischievous grin “Maybe I should write down to buy you some socks-?”

“You’re bullying me.” Javi complained, trying to kick him under the table, but it only resulted in a quiet giggle.

“I’m just saying the truth.” Yuzuru announced, standing up and collecting the plates “Okay, let’s go so we can catch the last bus that won’t make us late.” he added with a grin and Javi pouted.

“I haven’t been late even once since I started coaching.”

“I know, I know, I’m just playing with you.” Yuzuru said, softly, and Javi just had to smile at him.

“It’s sad how your English improved, but your jokes are just as bad as before.” he teased and Yuzuru gaped.

“And who is bullying who now?”

“Aww, are you going to complain to Brian?”

“Sure.” Yuzuru chuckled, rolling his eyes “That’s a thing he for sure wants to deal with. Now get up and we go, or we’ll end up being late anyway.”

 

* * *

 

Javi loved coaching, maybe even more than competing. Working with kids every day, helping them develop, teaching them new things and witnessing their small and big victories. He was immensely grateful to Brian for giving him a place in the club, alongside him, Tracy and well, Yuzuru. Javi had never really thought they could be like that, sharing life together, but it was kind of perfect.

Well, it was perfect for most of the time, but not in the moments like the one Javi was currently living.

“Sweetheart, you need to get up.” he said patiently but Lisa only sniffled, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

“I don’t want to.” she whimpered “I can’t do it.”

“Of course you can.” Javi said, deciding to sacrifice his knees and kneel in front of her, so that their eyes were on the same level “It takes time, Lisa, and a lot of work. Everyone must go through it; you know how long time it took me to get good? It’s okay to feel unmotivated sometimes, but you have a lot of talent, Lisa, and you have to push through that feeling, okay? Can you do it?”

Lisa blinked slowly, tears already drying on her face, and she nodded after a moment, scrambling to her feet.

“Okay.” she nodded, her voice still shaking a little, but a smile already blossoming on her lips “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Javi reassured her with a smile “So, one more repeat and we’ll see how it goes, okay?”

“Okay.” Lisa nodded before skating away, getting ready to get back to work.

Javi followed her with his gaze and then heard Brian’s voice calling for him, so he quickly made his way to the edge of the ice, trying to keep his eye on the skaters.   

“Hey Brian, what’s up?”  

“Just wanted to make sure you remember I’m leaving for the final with the guys next week, so you’re getting some more classes. You’re still okay with that, right?”

“How could I say no to additional money?” Javi asked, smiling when Lisa executed her element perfectly “Maybe I will suggest for Yuzu to help me on the ice and not only hide in the dance room.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you.” Brian chuckled, his eyes sparkling with fondness “I actually talked with him today and told him that maybe he could try some new stuff, but he just waved at me and said something about socks.”

Javi snorted at that, rubbing his face quickly, trying to suppress a laugh.

“He’s impossible.” he muttered, and Brian’s smile widened.

“You’re good for each other, boys.” he said, patting Javi’s shoulder before walking away. Javi shook his head, a small playing on his lips, and then focused back on his students. Warm feelings were all great, but he had work to do.

 

Javi never had his phone on him when he was teaching, so when he grabbed it as he was walking out of the rink, he was expecting some missed calls and unread messages. There weren’t too many of those, but he narrowed his eyes at three missed calls from an unknown number. He was usually suspicious about those, but he thought that maybe it could be one of his students’ parents whose number he hadn’t saved, so he decided to call back as he walked to the bus stop. It was already dark, the world drowning in the yellow light of streetlights, and it was still snowing a bit. It was calm, and Javi was feeling good and kind of excited for a quiet evening, so when he hit the call button, he didn’t have any bad inklings.

“Toronto General, how can I help you?”

Javi stopped dead in his tracks, confused.

“Uh, hi, my name’s Javier Fernandez, I’ve been called from this number and couldn’t answer-”

“One moment, please.” the lady on the other side of the line said and Javi didn’t have any time to form theories before she spoke again “You’re the emergency contact for Yuzuru Hanyu, and we’re currently treating him here.”

“What?” Javi exhaled, shocked, his insides twisting with fear “What happened? Is he okay?”

“I’m afraid I can’t answer that.” she said with sympathy “Please, if you come, ask for doctor Novak.”

“Of course, right. Thank you.” Javi babbled before hanging up and staring at the phone in his hand. It seemed surreal and ridiculous, and Javi had to convince his body to take some action.

He had to get to the hospital as fast as possible.

 

“It seems that physically there is no harm, except for a few stitches we had to give him.” doctor Novak said and Javi nodded dumbly “He hit his head really hard, though, and we can’t really be completely sure of what his condition is until he wakes up.”

“Okay, okay.” Javi muttered, rubbing his brow, feeling a dull pain forming somewhere behind his eyes “Could you tell me what happened, exactly?”

“For what we know, he fell for some reason and hit his head on the pavement pretty hard. Sadly, that’s the only information we have.”

“I understand.” Javi swallowed hard, bracing himself for the next question “Please tell me, what… what consequences can it have?”

“Like I said, we can’t tell just now.” doctor Novak smiled with sympathy “He for sure has concussion, though, which will be affecting him for some time. There is also a possibility the hit could affect his sight, but we need to wait. Please, keep your thoughts positive. Excuse me, I need to go.”

“Of course.” Javi muttered, still bewildered, and he slowly walked back to Yuzuru’s room, his heart clenching painfully when he saw him, so fragile under the blanket, his face smooth and pale.

Javi sat down on a chair next to him, his chest feeling heavy. He had already called Brian, who promised to get there as soon as possible, and Javi knew he should call Yumi too, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that just yet. First, he wanted to know what exactly Yuzuru’s condition was before making Yumi jump into a plane and fly over from Japan.

“I’m sorry.” he said quietly, reaching to take Yuzuru’s cool hand in his “I should’ve done the stupid shopping by myself.”

He was feeling guilty, although he knew that it wasn’t his fault. It had probably been a mix of the weather and Yuzuru’s natural clumsiness, and there was no way of foreseeing that.

Still, Javi was feeling awful.

He didn’t know how long he sat like that, holding Yuzuru’s hand and feeling something cold and anxious forming in his chest, before Yuzuru gasped quietly, his eyes cracking open a bit, and Javi almost jumped up.

“Hey.” he said softly, running his thumb over Yuzuru’s knuckles “You okay? You gave me a big scare.”

Yuzuru kept on staring at him, his eyes widening a little, and he looked so confused, Javi’s heart stuttered.

“Where am I?” he asked slowly, his voice low, accent heavier than usual.

“In the hospital, you had a small accident and you hit your head.” Javi explained and Yuzuru moved his head a little, groaning “Wait, I’m going to call-”

“Where is my mom?” Yuzuru asked and Javi blinked quickly.

“Uhhh, still in Japan? I’m going to call her right away?”

“Why isn’t she here?” Yuzuru asked and Javi felt the cold inside him intensifying “And why are you here?” Yuzuru added. His eyes were huge now, and Javi’s lips went dry.

“Well, I’m being a good boyfriend, right?” he smiled nervously and Yuzuru’s flat expression changed, his lips parting, and Javi wanted to say something more, but then Yuzuru spoke again, his voice quiet and careful.

“What year is it?”

Javi’s heart stopped.

“2022. December.”

Yuzuru inhaled sharply through his open mouth, eyes widening almost comically. And then they fell shut, his head falling to the side, and Javi realized that he just fainted.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today was kinda bad so I'm posting to boost my mood mwahaha

“Please, take a deep breath for me.” a doctor, Yuzuru forgot his name, asked, pressing a cold stethoscope to Yuzuru's chest “And one more time. Yes, good, thank you.”

Yuzuru didn’t know what was happening. His head felt heavy and tender, with dull pain radiating from the back of his skull and spreading to his temples and even eyes. He was in a hospital, apparently he had some kind of an accident, and now… it was 2022.

Yuzuru couldn’t think about it, mere though making him feel cold inside. He was confused and scared, but he tried to push through that feeling, focusing on the man standing in front of him. Doctor Novak, he remembered now, was smiling at him gently, with understanding.

“We will need to run some more tests, and we will keep you for a night in here, but if everything is okay I think you could go home next afternoon.” he said and Yuzuru swallowed hard, not trying to dare where was his home now; but before he could form any words, doctor Novak spoke again “Your partner told me that you have problems with memory. What is the last thing you remember?”

Yuzuru felt like screaming, and he just wished his mom was there with him so he could hold her hand and feel a little bit less terrified.

“I-” he closed his eyes, trying to think, pain in his head intensifying “I think I remember… training. Here in Canada, in the club, but I… I was still competing then-”

“For what I was told, you retired from competition in 2020.” doctor Novak said and Yuzuru had to fight to take a breath, his throat clenching painfully.

“Oh.” he breathed out, feeling weak “I- this-”

“I know it’s a lot to take.” the older man said “But I need you to know that amnesia isn’t anything unusual with injuries like that, and in most cases it’s only a temporal thing, and in all probability you will get all your memories back very soon.” he said and then glanced at the file in his hand “Tomorrow we will do a tomography again and we will decide what to do. Till then you should rest. Do you want to be alone or can I tell your friend to come in?”

Yuzuru opened his mouth to say that he wanted to be left alone, but stopped himself. He had been trying not to think about Javi’s words, but now it was all he could hear, ringing in his ears.

Boyfriend.

A nervous laugh, a warm smile.

How-?

“He can come in.” Yuzuru decided, his heart clenching, and the doctor nodded.

“Very well. I will see you in the morning, Yuzuru, but if you feel more pain or nauseous, please inform a nurse, okay?”

“Okay.”

Yuzuru watched how the doctor left the room and through the open door he could see Javi who made his way to him, asking something with worried, tense expression. Yuzuru could see how doctor Novak tilted his head, confused, and then he patted Javi’s shoulder in a comforting gesture, saying something. Javi nodded, his expression weird, and then he looked at Yuzuru.

Yuzuru felt a lump in his throat.

It was Javi, his training mate, his… friend. He was happy to see him, but the last thing he knew was that Javi was living in Spain with his girlfriend and no intention of coming back.

“Hi.” Javi said softly, his face paler than usual as he stood at the foot of Yuzuru’s bed “How are you feeling?”

“My head hurts.” Yuzuru said slowly “And I’m-” he swallowed hard “I don’t know what’s happening.” he admitted in a small voice and Javi’s face crumpled.

“I know.” he said, his voice strained “I called your mom and she’s ready to come here, and she really wants to talk to you, but I asked her to wait a bit, till you feel a bit better.”

Javi was smiling, but his eyes were wide, fingers moving nervously, and Yuzuru felt like crying.

“Javi.” he started quietly “I don’t remember.”

He felt tears falling down his face and Javi yelped, quickly making his way to him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay, don’t cry.” he murmured, wiping Yuzuru’s tears with the back of his hand “It’s all fine, it’s just for a moment, I’m sure you will remember everything soon-”

His touch was warm and so familiar, despite everything, and it only made Yuzuru sob harder. His headache was terrible now, and he knew he should calm down, but he couldn’t, because it was really getting to him, that he had somehow forgotten past… three years of his life?

“Shhh.” Javi whispered, gently wrapping his arms around Yuzuru, hugging him carefully “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

He kept on talking, quiet, encouraging words, and after a few minutes Yuzuru managed to calm down, his breathing still ragged and throat full.

“There you go.” Javi smiled, handing him a bottle of water “Take a few sips, okay?”

Yuzuru took a few sips obediently and then carefully lay back on the bed, feeling dizzy, his sight turning a little blurry.

“You were in Spain.” he muttered and Javi frowned.

“Huh?”

“The doctor told me I’m retired.” Yuzuru said, closing his eyes, his heartbeat thudding “How is this possible, I-” he cut himself off, sensing another sob forming in his throat, and Javi exhaled deeply.

“You retired after worlds in 2020.” he said and Yuzuru felt Javi’s hand covering his gently “You won, and you decided that was it for you.”

Yuzuru couldn’t wrap his mind around it, him quitting skating. It felt surreal, because just yesterday he was training his new program…

But that yesterday was three years ago.

“Why am I in Toronto?” he asked, opening his eyes with difficulty and looking at Javi, who seemed even paler than before “Why am I not in Japan?”

“You-” Javi’s voice cracked a little “You- you didn’t feel good in Japan, after retiring.”

It seemed ridiculous. Why would he feel bad living in Japan, it was impossible, but there was no reason Javi would lie about it, right?

“Okay.” Yuzuru muttered, deciding to put aside for a moment “What am I doing in Toronto?”

“We work in the club.” Javi said “You hold dance classes and collaborate with David sometimes, and I teach, mostly kids now.”

It seemed logical, Yuzuru guessed, but his heart stuttered at the next question he had to ask.

It was impossible, and it was surreal, but he had to hear it.

“Are we together?” he asked and Javi inhaled sharply, blinking as if Yuzuru just slapped him, and it was enough of an answer to Yuzuru. He closed his eyes, not able to stand Javi’s hurt expression, his stomach twisting, head throbbing with pain.

“I’m going to puke.” he wheezed, turning to his side and Javi yelped, but reacted immediately, grabbing some bowl that was standing on the floor and bringing it closer. All Yuzuru could throw up was some water, but his insides were churning and he felt like he was about to pass out, and he was hurt and embarrassed, and vaguely aware of Javi’s hand rubbing his back.

“They told me it can happen after concussion.” Javi said when Yuzuru dropped on his back again, his head spinning “I’m going to go for a nurse just in case.”

Yuzuru didn’t say anything, too tired to form words. He could feel himself falling into the darkness and the last thing he thought about before drifting away was hope that the next day everything would be okay.

 

* * *

 

“The tomography looks good.” doctor Novak said, smiling at Yuzuru gently “How are you feeling?”

“My head is spinning.” Yuzuru mumbled; he was dead tired after waking at 7am to run tests, and now it was barely noon but he just wanted to sleep and wake up with his memory fully restored. Not such luck, but at least Javi was with him, and also Brian, who was smiling at him, his expression full of worry.

“That’s normal.” doctor Novak said “You will feel like that for the next few days, so I need you to rest a lot, preferably in lying position-”

“So I’m… good to go?” Yuzuru asked, blinking rapidly, and the doctor nodded “There’s no medical reasons to keep you in the hospital, as long as you have someone to look after you, you shouldn’t be alone. And you have to take meds for a few days.”

Yuzuru couldn’t help but look at Javi, and he saw how Brian looked in the same direction. Javi looked like he hadn’t slept all night, shadows under his eyes deep and expression tired, but he nodded quickly when he felt their gazes on him.

“He’s not alone.” he said simply and doctor Novak nodded.

“Good. In that case, mr Fernandez, can I have a word in private? Just a few tips. And please, if troubles with memory don’t pass after the month, contact me.”

“Of course. Thank you.” Yuzuru mumbled, feeling dizzy and overwhelmed, and only Brian’s touch on his shoulder made him snap back to reality.

“How are you holding on, Yuzu?” his coach- former coach, apparently- asked and Yuzuru made an attempt to smile, but he was pretty sure it was more of a grimace.

“I have no idea what’s going on. I-”

“I know.” Brian said gently “I’m so sorry it’s happening to you.”

Yuzuru nodded absently, but he couldn’t get one thing out of his head.

“I- I live with Javi, right?” he asked, his voice quiet and high, and Brian’s smile dimmed “I don’t- Brian, how are we… I don’t know how this happened?”

“Oh my poor boy.” Brian sighed, touching Yuzuru’s cheek “I wish I could tell you, but this is between you and Javi, and I don’t want to meddle.” he shook his head “I don’t even know too much, you boys were keeping yourself so private. This- you need to talk with Javi about it.”

Yuzuru nodded stiffly, understanding Brian’s reasons, but at the same time he wished he told him something, anything, because Yuzuru couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

Him and Javi, together.

Javi was always a special person in Yuzuru’s life, his friend, his rock, even his teenage crush. He had never really thought they could be together, with him being too focused on his career and Javi being in a happy relationship back then; but apparently something had happened, something big and important, but Yuzuru had no idea how they got to the point they were in now.

How should he act now, when he couldn’t tell what he was feeling and what he was supposed to feel?

After a few minutes Javi came back, looking calm and steady, smiling at Yuzuru and Brian.

“Okay, now I know everything.” he said lightly “We can get you ready to go back home.”

Home. Where was home now? When Yuzuru thought about home he could see his family house, sometimes maybe he would give a second to his Toronto apartment. But now, apparently, home was with Javi.

“Right.” Yuzuru swallowed hard “Back home.”

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru recognized the neighbourhood when they exited the cab; it was fairly close to the rink, but for what he remembered it wasn’t a place Javi had used to live in when they were training together.

“Fourth floor.” Javi said when they entered the elevator and Yuzuru stared at the numbers. Yuzuru pressed the right button and glanced at Javi, who was watching him with a small half smile, but his eyes were careful and tired.

Yuzuru wondered how Javi was holding on, what was he thinking about the situation, about Yuzuru not remembering anything about their… relationship. A part of Yuzuru wanted to ask, but he didn’t because he felt tired and dizzy, and he didn’t feel like he could handle more information.

When they entered the apartment Yuzuru looked around, hoping that maybe it would trigger some memories, but nothing happened. It looked bright and clean, and it was warm, but Yuzuru’s heart thudded painfully with disappointment.

He heard high meowing coming from the floor and he looked down, seeing some very small cat looking at him with big eyes, and Yuzuru frowned.

“Uhh?” he let out eloquently and Javi chuckled.

“This is Hoshi. Your cat. Or, more our cat.”

Yuzuru blinked slowly. He had never wanted to have pets, but the kitten looked adorable and fluffy, so he decided to crouch and pet her, but the moment he moved he felt a sudden strike of dizziness and his legs gave up.

“Hey, hey, easy.” Javi exclaimed, wrapping his arm around Yuzuru’s waist and preventing him from falling to the ground “You need to take it easy. Come one, I will take you to your bedroom.”

Yuzuru was completely pliant, letting Javi basically carry him to a nice, tidy room and helping him sit down on a soft bed with sheets smelling freshly. He looked around, moving his head carefully, and he could see himself in that room, he saw his books, his pictures, his clothed, and his chest felt tight.

“You need something?” Javi asked, looking down at him and Yuzuru shrugged.

“I will be fine.” he said, crawling back on the bed and lying down carefully, closing his eyes and exhaling deeply “Thank you.”

“Sure. If you need something just call me, I’ll leave the door open so I can hear you. And maybe… call your parents again tomorrow? Your mom is really stressed and wants to come, it’s okay, but maybe call her in the morning?”

“Yeah, morning sounds good.” Yuzuru muttered, exhausted and then opened his eyes rapidly “Javi, why do I have my own bedroom?”

Javi sighed deeply from the door and Yuzuru glanced at him, curious.

“You-” Javi smiled a bit “Sometimes you like to dream your own dreams.”

It actually made a lot of sense to Yuzuru, so he wasn’t surprised by the answer. He knew himself well enough to know that he needed his space, his own private place where he could hide, rest his mind, be only with himself.

He thought about the past, when Javi had been so understanding, giving him space, not pushing him to hang out, to be friends, to do anything. It was great to know that he was doing that still, even if they were… something more now.

It was still too much, and it was still too complicated, but Yuzuru was feeling safe now, and there was a small voice in his head telling him that maybe it all would be okay somehow.

Javi made a move as if he was about to leave and that made Yuzuru open his mouth again.

“Wait, wait.” he said “Can you come here for a moment?”

Javi blinked, surprised, and then made his way to the bed, standing close. Yuzuru swallowed hard and then reached for Javi’s hand.

It was familiar, his warm, calloused skin, familiar and safe. Yuzuru could remember all the moments they had touched in the past, all the hugs, the way Javi would caress his cheek, place that warm hand on the back of his neck, steady and soothing.

If he remembered that, maybe he could remember how they ended up together.

“How are you, Javi?” he asked quietly and Javi smiled weakly, squeezing his fingers.

“Don’t worry about me. Focus on yourself, and on getting better.”

His eyes were big and brown, and Yuzuru wondered if they were in love with each other. They had to be, right, to be together, and Yuzuru tried to look inside his heart and catch a glimpse of that feeling, so he had something to hold on to.

A part of him wanted to ask, but he bit his tongue. Before they left the hospital doctor Novak had told Javi not to tell Yuzuru everything, but only dropping some clues, so his mind could work on connecting the facts together.

His eyes closed, like he had no control over his body anymore. Before sleep krept on him completely, taking control over his body, he felt Javi’s lips against his forehead and a feeling of safety only increased.

He was good at figuring stuff out, he would figure that thing too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the love for my wonderful beta <3

Yuzuru woke up suddenly, feeling a warm hand touching his forehead gently.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.” Javi said, smiling, and it took Yuzuru a moment to realize what was going on, and his stomach tied into a tight knot. His head was pulsing with a dim pain and he had a feeling that if he tried to sit up, he would throw up.

“It’s okay.” he said with difficulty, his voice hoarse “What time is it?”

“Almost eleven.”

“Oh.”

He had never slept that long in his entire life. Or maybe he had, he just couldn’t remember.

“You don’t have to get up, but you should eat something. I will prepare something and bring-”

“No, no.” Yuzuru said, sitting up very slowly, leaning on his hands, wincing at the spike of dizziness, but Javi quickly grabbed his shoulder, steadying him.

“Slowly, slowly.” Javi said, his expression worried “You don’t have-”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru said stubbornly, standing up “I can do it.”

They got to the kitchen without any accidents and Javi sat Yuzuru down by the table.

“So, I’m going to make you some tea and then maybe, uhh-” Javi opened the fridge and inhaled sharply, as if he just realized something important “Can be an omelette with veggies? We-” he hesitated and Yuzuru noticed that his shoulders tensed a little “We haven’t done groceries.”

Honestly, Yuzuru would prefer something what his mom used to prepare for him, some miso soup, some fish, but he knew that he couldn’t be picky.

“Sounds great.” he said and Javi smiled with relief.

“Okay, here you have your tea.” he said after three minutes, handing Yuzuru a steaming cup “It will take me a moment, so you can call your parents if you want? Your mom already texted me three times this morning.” Javi chuckled warmly and Yuzuru smiled, because that was exactly what he needed.

“My sweet boy.” Yuzuru’s mother said into a phone and Yuzuru’s grip around the device tightened “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, mom. Just… lost.”

“I believe.” she said, sighing, her voice trembling a little “Do you want me to come? I checked flights and I think I could be there in two days.”

“It’s okay, I’m… I’m doing good. And Javi is here.” Yuzuru said, raising his head to look at Javi, who was currently making a lot of noise, preparing breakfast “He takes really good care of me.”

“Of course, he is.” his mom said, sounding much calmer “He’s such a good person.”

“Right?” Yuzuru mumbled nervously “I wish I knew-”

“Don’t think about it, sweetheart.” she said softly “Memories will come to you, I promise. So, should I-”

“No.” Yuzuru said, biting his lower lip; to be honest, he craved his parents’ company, he wanted to see them, to talk to them, to hug them. But physically he was in a good shape, just concussion still affecting him, but it wasn’t anything too difficult to handle. And he didn’t feel comfortable with making them travelling all the way across the ocean just because he had forgotten some things- apparently they both were working and Yuzuru didn’t want to force them to try and change everything just to come and tell him that everything was going to be okay.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru said, more firmly that time “I’m- I’m okay. I will call you every day.”

“Good.”

Yuzuru was itching to ask her more, why he had retired, how him and Javi got together. But he bit his tongue, because he didn’t want to hear the whole story, because what if his brain would decide that he didn’t have to try to recall all the events, since he learned what happened? And Yuzuru wanted to remember, so much, so he just kept on assuring his mom that he was okay until he heard Javi’s discreet cough and he knew it was time to hang up.

“So, I made you an omelette with vegetables.” Javi said, putting the plates down “Usually you make breakfast and I prepare dinner, but I will take care of these too for now.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t-” Yuzuru muttered, suddenly embarrassed that Javi had to do everything around him “I feel good, tomorrow I can-”

“Stop it.” Javi said gently, shaking his head “I don’t mind. I just got lazy, because I could stay in bed longer when you were cooking.”

Yuzuru smiled, feeling a bit awkward, and looked down at his plate. It looked good, but he spotted some bell pepper and he narrowed his eyes, watching it suspiciously before poking it with his fork.

“Oh.” Javi breathed out and Yuzuru glanced at him, his expression conflicted “You don’t like it again.”

“What?”

“It took me a year of convincing, but you finally started liking it. It’s fine, though, just put it-”

“No, no!” Yuzuru exclaimed, taking a bite of the omelette and chewing quickly “It’s good!”

It wasn’t the best thing he had eaten, but it wasn’t dreadful either, and the amused smile on Javi’s face was worth it. They ate in silence, warm and comfortable, and in that moment Yuzuru could really believe that was how their everyday life looked like, calm and nice.

“Brian told me I can take the rest of the week off.” Javi informed him when they finished eating “And he says you don’t have to worry about your job, he found someone but when you’re ready to come back, he’ll be happy to tell you. Also, I need to be there next week, Brian is leaving for the final with Jason and Jun, and I have to-”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru smiled at him “I can manage, I will learn this place by that time.” he said without thinking and Javi’s smile dimmed, and Yuzuru felt like an asshole. He was still slowly realizing how much it was affecting Javi, how much it cost him to be all smiling and understanding. Since the moment Yuzuru had woken up, Javi was so incredibly patient, he didn’t try to get too close, to kiss him, giving him all the space, understanding that for Yuzuru their relationship looked just like a few years before, when they were both friends and strangers at the same time.

“I’m sorry.” he muttered and Javi shook his head, giving him a strained smile.

“It’s okay.” he said “You feeling alright? Maybe go settle yourself on the sofa, the doctor told you to lie down a lot.”

"Okay." Yuzuru said in a small voice and did just that.

The living room was tiny but cosy, with walls painted in a nice shaded of yellow, two big windows with washed out curtains. There was a tv that seemed a little dusty and a nice set of furniture. Yuzuru lie down on the sofa, putting a soft pillow under his head. His head was swimming and he gave up any thought of turning the tv on, he wouldn't be able to focus anyway. He closed his eyes, thinking that maybe he could take a nap already, but then he felt a surprising weight on his chest and when he opened his eyes, he saw that little kitten- Hoshi, probably? - nestling on his chest.

"Well hi." he muttered, stroking her fur before closing his eyes again. He was on the edge of sleep when he heard Javi walking in and standing close to him.

"You forgot to take your meds." he said softly and Yuzuru sighed, opening his eyes.

"They make me feel so weird."

"I know, but they also prevent you from puking and other stuff I can't remember."

Javi was right, obviously, and Yuzuru took the meds, washing it down with some water and then he got back to lying down with his eyes closed and a kitten sleeping on his chest. He was vaguely aware that Javi squeezed on the sofa too, Yuzuru's foot resting against his thigh. It was warm, and it was okay, and Yuzuru didn't feel like sleeping anymore.

"Fantasy on ice." he said and Javi looked up at him, confused.

"Huh?"

Yuzuru swallowed hard, considering backing off, but he decided against it.

"That's the last thing I remember, about you." he said quietly and Javi's smile dimmed "I remember talking with you in a locker room, and you said you would visit me in Canada one day. And that's- that's what I know."

Javi didn't say anything for a long moment and Yuzuru wasn't able to read his expression. It was weird, because he was used to see Javi's open smile, honest eyes, and not... that, not his gaze being clouded, lips pressed in a tight line.

Yuzuru didn't know what to do about it, what to do about Javi, about the fact that they were supposed to be together.

Yuzuru didn't even know what he was feeling, except confusion. He for sure was feeling safe with Javi, good as always, but it wasn't enough for two people to be together, right?

The main thing Yuzuru couldn't understand was how he had changed, what had to happen for him to give up skating and choose... people. Choose Javi, choose life in Toronto. He couldn't understand that person he was supposed to be, he didn't understand those choices.

A part of him wanted to wait just a bit longer, till he would feel better, and then jump into a plane to Japan and hide at home, surrounded by familiar things and with his parents by his side.

But Javi was looking at him with eyes that were big and just bit sad, and something inside twisted, because despite everything he didn't remember, he still knew he cared for Javi, because how could he not? Could he just leave like that, knowing that there was something going on between them?

"You don't have to worry about me." Javi said, sighing, resting his hand on Yuzuru's foot "I'm fine."

"Are you?" Yuzuru insisted and Javi smiled at him, wide and gentle.

“Yes. I promise.”

His smile was honest, and Yuzuru chose to believe him, because Javi had never lied to him. For sure it was hard on him too, but if he was saying that he was handling it well, it had to be true.

“Hey there.” Javi said suddenly, looking down, and Yuzuru saw Effie jumping on his knees, curling herself into a fluffy ball, and Yuzuru suddenly remembered some evening from ages before, even before Sochi.

“She still doesn’t like me?” he asked and Javi looked at him, smiling.

“She likes you. She just loves me more.” he chuckled, reaching to caress Hoshi’s fur “But that one loves you a lot.”

Yuzuru glanced at the kitten sleeping on his chest and he smiled, slowly reaching to touch her too, grey fur soft and delicate. His fingers brushed against Javi’s and Yuzuru felt a sudden wave of warmth tingling on his fingertips and running up his arm. It was a familiar feeling too, bringing back memories of all the warm hugs and lingering touches they had shared, and Yuzuru understood something.

He didn't feel for Javi what he was supposed to, but he was feeling good and warm and safe, less and less surprised with every passing moment.

Maybe it wouldn't be that hard, to fall for him again.

"What are you thinking about?" Javi asked, poking his hand gently, and Yuzuru sighed, trying to buy himself some time.

"Wondering what doctor Novak told you. Those tips?" Yuzuru said and Javi blinked quickly, some uncertainty in his expression before he smiled again.

"Well he just told me to keep an eye on you, make sure you take your meds and rest. Also, I shall try to shield you from shock and being upset, bad things for your brain."

"Hmm, too late with these shocks." Yuzuru muttered. At least he wasn't feeling upset. Frustrated, yes, but a big part of him believed that soon he would remember everything again, and his stomach clenched with excitement.

"We will laugh about it, one day." he said without thinking and he could swear Javi's smile dimmed a little, but the impression was gone in a blink of an eye.

"Of course, we will." Javi said softly before shaking his head a little "By the way, if you want to take a shower, don't lock the door, okay? So, if something happens, I can help you."

"Oh." Yuzuru blinked "Sure, yeah."

He could feel himself blushing a little, for some unknown reason. It suddenly seemed so intimate, that they were sharing a bathroom, and Yuzuru couldn't stop his mind from going back to those few times he had seen Javi naked, brief glances across a locker room, and Yuzuru felt embarrassed at a mere thought of Javi seeing him without clothes.

"Are you okay?" Javi asked and Yuzuru felt that he needed a moment for himself.

“I’m going to take that shower.” he said, carefully putting Hoshi away before standing up carefully and walking away, feeling Javi’s searching gaze on him.

The bathroom was small, clean, and absolutely unfamiliar. Yuzuru guessed which towel was his, hoping that if it was Javi’s he wouldn’t mind. It was nice, to take a shower, the water calm, but it only made him sleepier, and he had to lean against the tiles and close his eyes to try and collect himself.

There were moments when he knew how to act, and when he just followed everything what was happening, letting the others- doctors, Javi- take the lead and take care of him, but now he was feeling just lost and confused, just like when he had woken up in the hospital.

He didn’t know himself. He didn’t know why he had retired, because all he wanted to do now was to go to the ice and train for the next season, he could remember his new choreo so vividly. What had happened during those years that made him resign from the only thing he truly loved and move to Canada, live with Javi? What was going on?

He got out of the shower slowly, wrapping a towel around his waist and leaned against the sink, looking into a mirror, the first time since his… little time travel.

He wasn’t as slim as he remembered, but he didn’t look bad by any means, if he could judge himself like that. His hair looked better, that for sure.

He realized he hadn’t brought himself a change of clothes, so he went to his room like that, only with a towel, vaguely hoping that he wouldn’t bump into Javi on the way. Luck was on his side and five minutes later he was dressed in comfy sweatpants and an incredibly soft shirt that seemed a few sizes too big. He didn’t feel like leaving the bedroom, though, so he decided to inspect it a little. First, he looked at the books filling a few shelves, most of them in Japanese, but some in English. It was funny, how his memories of past years were wiped out, but he was feeling more comfortable in English than three years earlier. He also found a Spanish textbook, looking new and not really used. Yuzuru narrowed his eyes, grimacing. He hated languages, he hated learning English, why the hell would he want to learn Spanish?

He really had to care about Javi, it looked like.

There were some pictures, mostly of him and his family, there were his old notebooks, tucked safely in between books. He found his medals, not all of them, but the most valuable ones, and his heart thudded painfully. He really had to treat that place as home if he was keeping his medals there.

He suddenly wondered how Javi’s room looked like.

Yuzuru had visited Javi a few times, ages ago, when they were both still training together and when there was no titles and strain between them.

Yuzuru closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, fighting an urge to call his mom again. But from what he had gathered, her life in Japan was happy, and she was so glad of going back to work after dedicating her life to him, doing things for herself. He knew she would come gladly, but a part of him thought that maybe it would be better if he stayed only with Javi for those few first days, hoping that maybe his memories would come back soon.

After inspecting all drawers and shelves he glanced at the bag he had had in the hospital, with the stuff he had with himself on that fatal day. There was a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, bottle of water and snacks, and three pairs of brand-new socks with funny prints that made him raise his eyebrows.

He got nothing.

Feeling a bit frustrated, he decided to go back to the living room, when he immediately met Javi’s a bit concerned gaze.

“Hey, I thought you drowned in there, I wanted to go and save you.”

“I went to my room for a bit.” Yuzuru said, sitting down on the sofa and leaning against the backrest “Just to… check.”

Javi nodded, smiling softly.

“Okay.” he said gently “By the way, I thought I could go for some quick shopping in the morning and we could maybe make some ramen tomorrow? If we start in the morning, we could have it for dinner?”

“You know how to make ramen?”

“Well yeah. Your mom gave me a really nice recipe.” Javi said lightly and Yuzuru’s jaw dropped, because his mom wasn’t really eager to share her cooking secrets with people.

“I’d love it.” was everything he could say, the urge to call his mom even stronger than before. He wanted to call her and ask her about everything, but he was scared that it would only cloud his judgement and get in the way of his feelings that he was yet to rediscover.

“Great.” Javi grinned, his eyes sparkling “Also, why are you wearing my shirt?”

“Oh.” Yuzuru gasped, feeling himself blushing a little “I can, uh, I will take it off-”

“No, no.” Javi shook his head “It’s just-” he chuckled “I asked you about it and you so denied taking it.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru repeated helplessly, his cheeks even hotter, and suddenly all he could think about was if him and Javi had sex. That was very, very probable, certain even, but the thought was making Yuzuru’s insides twist, because he for sure had never considered that. But now his still slightly dizzy brain started going places he didn’t want to go, and he knew he had to put it to end as fast as possible.

“Tell me-” he cleared his throat “- am I allowed to watch tv or is it something I should avoid?”

“Hmm.” Javi hummed “As long as it’s not too flashy.”

“I guess I can find something.” Yuzuru muttered, finding more comfortable position and reaching for the remote.

“Okay, you have fun, I will go and do some work.” Javi announced, standing up and ruffling Yuzuru’s hair “I’ll be in my room, call me if you need something.”

“Mhhh.” Yuzuru muttered, staring at the tv and flipping through the channels.

The search for something not flashy and not painfully boring resulted in him watching some movie with people dressed in old clothes, with about three love stories going on, and keeping up with it only made Yuzuru’s headache worse. He stood up, feeling tired and sleepy despite it being barely 8pm, and he headed for his bedroom with all the intention to go to sleep. But when he was passing by Javi’s bedroom and he saw him through the open door, sitting by his desk and flipping some papers. Javi’s room was a bit smaller than Yuzuru’s, and a bit messier, but not in a bad way. There was the feeling of some… organised chaos, and somehow Yuzuru felt more drawn to that than to the tidy calmness of his own bedroom.

“Hey.” he said, knocking to the doorframe, and Javi span around in his chair “Can I come in?”

“Sure.” Javi smiled and Yuzuru walked in, making his way to the bed and sitting down, looking around. The walls had a nice shade of yellow, and maybe it was why that room looked warmer than Yuzuru’s.

“You feel okay?” Javi asked and Yuzuru nodded.

“I’m good.” he said, suppressing a yawn “Do you mind if I lay down for a moment?”

“Sure, be my guest. I’m just going to finish this, okay?”

“Mhhh.” Yuzuru hummed, lying down and closing his eyes “What are you doing?”

“Planning my trip to junior worlds already, there is so much stuff to take care of.”

“I see.” Yuzuru sighed “Is it fun? Coaching?”

“It is. A bunch of fun. Sometimes exhausting, but totally worth it.”

“That’s nice.” Yuzuru mumbled, feeling himself falling into a slumber “It’s nice that you’re happy.”

He heard Javi’s quiet laughter and rustling of pages, and then he felt the mattress sagging a little under the weight of Javi’s body next to his.

“I will go in a second.” Yuzuru muttered, trying and failing to open his eyes, but turning his face a little “Just a moment.”

“You don’t have to.” Javi said quietly and Yuzuru felt his warm hand against his forehead and cheek, caressing his face gently. His touch was familiar and calming, and Yuzuru was yet again overwhelmed by a strong wave of safety and warmth.

He made an effort to open his eyes and saw Javi’s gentle, kind smile, and something inside him clicked.

“I’m sorry.” he muttered “For not remembering.”

“It’s okay.” Javi said quietly “I only need you to know one thing. That whatever happens, you’re my best friend. You remember that, okay? No matter what happens.”

Javi’s eyes were big and honest, and Yuzuru felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, because he couldn’t exactly remember how it was to be true friends with Javi, to have that kind of relationship.

He had missed so much.

“Okay.” he whispered tiredly, his eyes falling shut again “I won’t forget.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

Yuzuru woke up wrapped in a soft blanket and with something warm in his hand. He blinked slowly, turning his head a little, and he gasped quietly when he saw Javi’s face only inches away from his, his eyes closed and face smooth, breathing deep and calm, telling Yuzuru that he was asleep.

It took Yuzuru another few seconds to realize that the warm thing he was holding was Javi’s hand.

It felt right, somehow. New, but familiar, and Yuzuru couldn’t tear his eyes away from Javi’s face, so calm and relaxed. He looked a bit older than Yuzuru remembered, he could tell that now, with the tiny wrinkles around his eyes, the ones that would appear when someone was smiling too much.

And Javi always smiled, no matter what.

Yuzuru’s chest felt a little tight and he had to take a deep breath, gasping quietly, and Javi’s eyelids fluttered as he sighed deeply.

“Hey.” he muttered, opening his eyes and yawning shortly “How are you feeling? You slept okay?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru swallowed hard, his throat feeling dry “Sorry.”

“For what.” Javi yawned, rubbing his eyes and speaking again, not letting Yuzuru answer “Okay, I’m going to take a shower and make a quick grocery trip for the ramen stuff, you can stay here as long as you want.”

“Uh.” Yuzuru mumbled eloquently, but Javi only flashed him a smile before picking up some clothes from the closet and then walking out. A few moments later Yuzuru heard a faint sound of running water, and Yuzuru kept staring at the ceiling, feeling… a lot of things. He was feeling so warm and comfortable, Javi’s warmth still clinging to his skin, as comforting as a blanket Yuzuru was wrapped in. He couldn’t help but wonder how many times he had woken up in that bed, feeling like that, safe and content.

Javi started singing now, something quiet and in Spanish, and Yuzuru smiled to himself, feeling his eyes falling shut again, his eyelids and limbs heavy. He fell into a shallow slumber, and he was woken up from it when he heard the front door being shut and his eyes flew open. He decided not to lag for longer and got up slowly, feeling a bit better than the day before.

In the kitchen he saw two cats that weren’t paying him any attention, too busy eating- apparently Javi had fed them before going. Yuzuru opened the fridge and realized that there was indeed nothing to eat, except of a bottle of soy sauce, an onion and two cucumbers. Yuzuru decided to settle on some tea for now, and it took him a moment to search the cupboards and find a lot of boxes and he picked one, curious.

He prepared it quickly and it turned out to be good, so Yuzuru looked around the kitchen, wondering if Javi had had some kind of breakfast before leaving- probably not. His eyes fell on the coffee machine and he thought that maybe it would be nice to get it going and have coffee fresh for when Javi would be back from early morning shopping.

That would be nice, if he only knew how to operate it. Luckily, google was a helpful thing and ten minutes later the machine was making some weird, but also promising sounds. Yuzuru knew that it would take a moment now, so he decided to call his mom, after doing a quick calculation of time zones and hoping that she wasn’t sleeping.

“Hello, Yuzu.” she said warmly “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. Just woke up.”

“Does it… do you-?”

“I don’t remember anything.” Yuzuru admitted with a sigh, taking a sip of his tea and trying to lose that knot his stomach tied into “But I’m doing good. Learning new things.” he bit his lower lip, considering and then making a quick decision “Mom, why didn’t I want to live in Japan?”

“Oh Yuzu.” she sighed deeply “Should I tell you, really?”

“I-” Yuzuru hesitated “I just- I need to know something, anything, mom. I’m like a blind person, and I need just a little bit of guidance.”

“Alright.” she said quietly “After your last worlds, you stayed at home for a few months. But it wasn’t… it wasn’t what you expected, Yuzu. And you got tired, and restless, and you missed Toronto and-” she hesitated but Yuzuru felt like he knew what she wanted to say.

“And Javi.” he finished for her and she chuckled quietly.

“He offered you to stay at his place and since that moment you’re inseparable. He’s… he’s the best thing that could happen to you, and watching you boys… you were so happy, with him, and that was making me happy too, you know?”

Her voice faltered a little and Yuzuru felt some itching deep in his throat, so he took another sip, trying to wash the feeling down.

“I understand.” he said “I mean, I don’t… I’m so confused mom, I-” he closed his eyes “I don’t remember how it feels to be in love with him.”

There, he said it.

“Oh, my sweet boy.” his mom sighed deeply “This… I can’t help you with that, Yuzu. All I can say is that… I’ve never seen you calmer, than with Javi.”

“I feel… really safe.” Yuzuru admitted through his clenched throat “Like I feel it’s right, but I still can’t get rid of that feeling that something is off.”

“I know, sweetheart.” she said gently “But everything it will be okay. And if you want to come home, just do that, as soon as you feel good enough to travel.”

“I will think about it.” Yuzuru said “Thank you.”

“Of course.” his mom said, and Yuzuru could sense how tired she was.

“Goodnight.” he said softly, not wanting to drag to conversation “Get some rest, mom.”

“You too, Yuzu. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He hung up just in time to hear the scratching of a key and a moment later Javi walked in rather loudly, huffing and fumbling with grocery bags.

“I have snowflakes on my glasses!” he complained, putting the bags down and taking off his shoes and jackets “I didn’t think you would be up, are you feeling okay?” he asked, taking his glasses of and wiping them with a hem of his shirt “Also, do I smell coffee?”

“Yeah, I thought I would make you one.”

“You’re an angel.” Javi said, taking a step closer and leaning a bit before stopping and making a weird face “Anyway, I bought a lot of stuff, so we can have some quick breakfast then get to serious cooking.” he rambled, putting his glasses on again.

The breakfast contained toasts and some quickly prepared fruit salad and Yuzuru quite enjoyed it, listening to Javi complaining about the weather and early crowd in the supermarket.

It felt like all those years back, the ones Yuzuru remembered, when their talks were short and light, but it also felt a little bit different. Yuzuru didn’t have memories of everything that had happened between them, but he knew that he was feeling even more comfortable in Javi’s presence than he had used to.

“Don’t forget your meds.” Javi reminded him gently when they finished eating “And then you can help me with cooking, if you feel like it?”

Cooking wasn’t Yuzuru’s favourite activity, but it wasn’t like he had more options to do something for fun, since tv was boring and reading was still a bit effort for him, triggering his headache.

Javi’s definition of ‘help with cooking’ turned out to be handing him stuff, because he was freaking out a bit over giving him a knife to handle. Yuzuru wasn’t complaining, though. It was nice, sitting in the kitchen, the radio playing quietly and Javi grinning at him every few moments.

“So, when did my mom teach you that recipe?”

“A year ago, after FAoI we went to visit your parents and I basically bullied her to show me.”

“You and bullying don’t belong in the same sentence.” Yuzuru said without thinking and Javi laughed at that loudly.

“Yeah, that’s not what I usually hear from you.” he said and Yuzuru’s stomach clenched at that, because he wanted to know, he wanted to know what ‘usually’ meant for them.

After some time, they had a pot boiling slowly on the cooker and Javi looked at him, so gentle and kind, like always.

“So-” he smiled “- what do you say about sitting on the sofa and playing with cats while this thing boils? And then we can watch some movie, you wanted to watch so much, I have it queued-” Javi said cheerfully, as if he forgot Yuzuru had no idea what was going on, but he decided not to pinpoint that and dutifully followed Javi to the living room.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru could feel Javi’s gaze on him every five seconds and he sighed into his scarf.

“Don’t worry, I’m careful.” he said and Javi sighed, shaking his head a little.

“I know, I know, just-” he sighed again and then grabbed Yuzuru’s elbow “I’m just going to do that, okay? I will be calmer.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru chuckled.

It was freezing Monday morning and they were walking to the bus stop. Javi had to go to meet with Brian to talk some things through before Brian’s departure for the grand prix final. Yuzuru was feeling pretty good, so he insisted on going with Javi; he was both curious and excited, to see the club and to meet with some people, since he had spent only with Javi and their cats. He was carefully hoping that maybe coming back to that familiar, important place would trigger some memories.

Yuzuru was feeling much better physically, most effects of concussion basically gone, just some quick moves were making him feel dizzy still. Beside that he was okay, and he was planning to have some doctor appointment and… and maybe start doing something again. He knew that he had a job at the club, but he wasn’t feeling too comfortable with going back to it now, since he had no idea how to handle a dance class. He hoped he would be able to skate a bit soon, because maybe that would help him clear his head.

It was a nice walk, and Yuzuru enjoyed it, probably more than in the past. Before he was watching Toronto mostly from safe interior of his mom’s car, but it was nice, to walk through the morning crowd, snow falling slowly on their heads, Javi’s grip on his arm strong but gentle.

Yuzuru didn’t mind that. It felt like every day he was spending with Javi was getting him a little bit closer to finding answers he was looking for.

It felt good, to step inside the familiar building of the club. There were some differences he spotted immediately, like the fact that the walls seemed freshly renovated and that there was a new receptionist working.

Jason’s smile, though, remained as bright as usual.

“Yuzu!” he yelled, running through the room and locking Yuzuru in a tight hug “It’s so good to see you, how are you?”

“Good, good.” Yuzuru muttered, a bit overwhelmed by all the affection, but it was actually quite nice “Getting back to shape.”

“That’s cool!” Jason smiled happily but then his expression turned a bit more serious “Brian told us you have, umm, some trouble, if you need-”

“I’m good, thank you Jason.” Yuzuru smiled “Javi is taking good care of me.” he added and noticed how Javi blushed and Jason gasped. He opened his mouth, clearly eager to say something, but Javi cut him off.

“Jason, is Brian in his office?”

“Yeah, he is, I think-”

“Great, can we go there together? We have some things to discuss before you guys leave.” Javi smiled before glancing at Yuzuru “You’re going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll sit in the longue and watch ice for a bit.”

“Okay.” Javi squeezed his shoulder before walking away with Jason, talking about something animatedly. Yuzuru shook his head, smiling fondly.

There was some longing, settled deep in his chest, when he looked at the ice through the glass, and it felt so close and so far away at the same time. Everything inside him was itching to go there, to put his skates on and move, get lost in the familiarity of his skating. He sighed deeply to himself, knowing it was not an option. He wasn’t a stranger to bending rules given him by doctors, but that time he didn’t even think about it. There was a voice, deep inside his chest, telling him that it wasn’t only about him, now. And Javi wouldn’t allow him to touch the ice anyway.

“Hey there.” he heard before a soft hand touched his shoulder “It’s nice to see you here, sweetie.”

“Hi, Tracy.” Yuzuru smiled back “It’s good to see you too.”

“I know you must be tired of this question, but I have to ask.” Tracy chuckled, sitting next to him “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. A bit confused, but okay.”

“I believe.” she sighed, touching his cheek briefly “It must be so hard.”

“It-” Yuzuru sighed “It is, but I’m… getting there?”

“That’s good.” Tracy said softly “Is your mom here too?”

“No, I don’t want to drag her all the way here. I’m good with Javi for now, I guess.”

“That’s nice.” Tracy smiled “It’s good he’s there for you.”

“Of course, he is.” Yuzuru said, tilting his head a little and Tracy’s smile turned even more gentle.

“Of course, he is.” she said softly before standing up “I need to go back to the kids, but I’m so happy to see you doing well. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Okay.”

 

 

“Okay, so we have a leftover ramen from yesterday, you want some?” Javi asked when they got back from the rink, hands and noses freezing “Uhh I feel like my ears are about to fall off.”

“That’s the punishment for not wearing a beanie.” Yuzuru announced, sitting by the table and rubbing his hands.

“Well I deserved that one.” Javi agreed cheerfully, fumbling with the cooker, and Yuzuru smiled to himself. There was something strangely comforting in watching Javi move like that around the kitchen, every move practiced and sure as he kept on talking about what was going on in the club, but Yuzuru found himself drifting away a little.

Just a week ago- well, a week for him- he had been practicing his new program, while Javi was in Spain, happy, and they were exchanging texts from time to time.

Now, they were living together, and Yuzuru could feel bits of familiarity and intimacy sparkling in moments like that, quiet and calm.

“Javi.” he said before he could stop himself “Why did you leave Spain? After retiring, you… why did you come back?”

Javi froze, his shoulders tensing a little, and then turned around to look at him.

“What?” he asked, but the tone of his voice was telling him that he had heard him perfectly.

“You don’t have to say.” Yuzuru said, wincing “I’m just curious.”

Javi kept looking at him for a moment before sighing quietly, his shoulders dropping.

“My relationship ended.” he said plainly “And well, Spain is amazing, but I thought… I missed this. So, I decided to come back, for a while, to get a grasp on coaching, to… think. Figure stuff out. And well, then you came here too, and-” he chuckled, waving “We’re here, now.”

Yuzuru just wanted to know how they had gotten there.

“And are we… together all that time?”

Javi swallowed visibly, his gaze turning blurry for a moment.

“Yeah.” he said and then cleared his throat, as if he wanted to say something more. Yuzuru wondered if he actually wanted to tell him more or maybe it was painful, thinking and talking about their past, the past that Yuzuru couldn’t remember.

Javi was always good at hiding his feelings, masking everything with that easy, kind smile of his, and Yuzuru’s throat was a little bit tight at that.

“I’m really hungry.” he blurted out, just wanting to break the suddenly awkward silence, and Javi flinched, as if woken up from a slumber.

“Oh, right, right.”

They ate in silence, slightly heavier than during their previous meals, and Yuzuru couldn’t help but blame himself for that a bit. Javi was trying so hard not to show how much the situation was affecting him, but sometimes Yuzuru could see that deep shadow around his eyes and how his fingers trembled nervously.

How much was it costing him, to pretend that he was okay, that he had to wait for who knew how long?

Yuzuru couldn’t bear that thought, just like he couldn’t bear the silence.

“I’d like to do a laundry.” he said when he finished eating and Javi stared at him dumbly before nodding.

“Sure, sure. You want me to help you carry the stuff? Yeah, I will, you shouldn’t-”

“I’ll be okay, just… wanted to let you know.” Yuzuru said, feeling dumb.

Javi followed him to his room anyway, standing in the middle and looking around with a small smile and Yuzuru leaned over the bag he had in the hospital, taking the pieces of clothing out, and then his fingers found a vaguely familiar package.

“Hey, look what I have in here.” he said, smiling “It’s not even my size.” he chuckled, turning to Javi and handing him those ridiculous socks he had found. He thought it was funny, but Javi stared at his hands as if he had never seen socks in his entire life, and Yuzuru felt a little awkward.

“Did I just ruin some surprise?” he asked, chuckling nervously, expecting Javi to laugh and made some silly joke; but instead, when Javi raised his gaze to look at Yuzuru, his eyes were wide and glistening. He opened his mouth but didn’t say anything; the only sound leaving his lips was a quiet, choked out sob.

Yuzuru blinked, confused beyond belief.

“Javi?” he asked tentatively “Are you okay-”

“I’m fine.” Javi said hoarsely, and Yuzuru watched with dread how he covered his mouth with his hand, and there were tears shining in his eyes.

He had only seen Javi cry two times before, in Sochi and in PyeongChang, but those moments were understandable, the saddest and the happiest one, but why was he crying now, over some funny socks?

Yuzuru didn’t understand, but his heart stuttered painfully, because it wasn’t right, it wasn’t right at all.

“Sorry.” Javi said, lowering his hand and trying to smile, but it only caused a few tears run down his face “Sorry, this is so stupid-” his voice cracked at the end and Yuzuru felt like something snapped inside him. He put the socks on a shelf behind himself and then stepped closer to Javi, taking his face in his hands.

“It’s okay.” he said quietly and Javi sniffled, blinking at him, his eyelashes wet.

Yuzuru was caught up in the moment, as if everything slowed down, as if the world was now only the two of them in that quiet, clean room. Javi’s skin was warm and Yuzuru felt as if something was taking control over his body, small and whispering and fragile.

And he gave in to that feeling.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Javi’s. They were warm and chapped, and Yuzuru’s breathing hitched, his head feeling like it was filled with cotton.

It was quiet and warm, like each of Javi’s hugs, but it felt even better than any of those moments, better and so much closer.

It last maybe four, five seconds, because Javi let out a quiet squeak and pulled back, his eyes wide.

“Oh.” he said helplessly, his voice muffled “Oh, Yuzu-”

Yuzuru swallowed hard, blinking rapidly and trying to understand what just happened. His head was spinning and his lips tingling.

“I-” he gasped, taking a small step back and almost tumbling down, but Javi put his hand on his hip, securing him.

“Okay.” Javi chuckled breathlessly “Okay, that’s-”

He seemed out of breath and Yuzuru didn’t know why, his own heartbeat quicker than normally, his chest feeling a bit tight. Javi inhaled sharply and then leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Yuzuru’s in a comforting gesture they both apparently needed. They stayed like that for a moment, quiet, breathing against each other’s lips.

“I need to ask.” Javi murmured, his hand caressing Yuzuru’s nape “How- what are you feeling, now?”

Yuzuru knew what that question meant- how he was feeling about Javi.

His heart stuttered.

“I don’t know.” he said quietly, closing his eyes, his throat burning “I don’t know.” he repeated helplessly, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes and threatening to fall.

He just wanted everything to be simpler. He wanted to know. He wanted to remember.

“It’s alright.” Javi whispered, pressing his lips to Yuzuru's forehead “It’s all good, don’t blame yourself, it’s okay.”

His voice was quiet and strained and Yuzuru thought that maybe, in the end, Javi sometimes lied.

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Okay, everything looks good in here.” doctor Novak said, flipping through the documentation and giving Yuzuru a smile “So you say that headache and dizziness are completely gone?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru nodded “I feel really well.”

“That’s good. And how’s your memory?”

“Still lost.” Yuzuru admitted, his stomach twisting a little “Is there anything I can do about it?”

“I can give you contact details to one of a good therapists I know that could be able to help you.” doctor Novak said, scribbling something on a piece of paper “And if you feel like you need to talk to someone-”

“I think I’m good.” Yuzuru said quickly “I will… think about it.”

It was frustrating, so frustrating, that it was almost a month and there were still no memories in Yuzuru’s head. There were new feelings, though, that were making everything even more confusing.

“Okay, that’s good.” doctor Novak said, breaking Yuzuru’s train of thought “Physically there is nothing wrong, so this might be our last meeting. But if something happens, of if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.”

“Of course.” Yuzuru smiled, standing up and shaking the doctor’s hand “Thank you so much.”

“That’s my job.” doctor Novak smiled, returning the handshake, and something flashed in his eyes before he spoke again “And it’s good to know that you have someone taking care of you. It’s important, to not be alone.” 

“Yeah.” Yuzuru chuckled, blushing a little “Yeah, it’s good, thank you.”

When he exited the doctor’s office, he was immediately greeted with Javi’s concerned gaze as he stood up from his chair, smiling a bit nervously. 

“How it went? Is everything okay?”

“All is good. We can go back home.”

Yuzuru felt like things were a little bit more… tense, since they had kissed, and he didn’t know what to do about it. 

The thing was, Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself from thinking about that kiss. It had been short and chaste, but the mere memory was making Yuzuru’s spine tingle. There was a spark of attraction he felt towards Javi, a spark that sometimes was burning lower and sometimes higher. The thing was, Yuzuru didn’t know if it was enough. He couldn’t shake off a feeling that Javi had been avoiding him, as much as he could while living in the same apartment and taking care of him. At first, Yuzuru had been confused, but then he got it. 

It wasn’t really fair, to kiss Javi, when he still didn’t know exactly how he was feeling.

He just wanted to untangle that mess, get a grasp on what was going on, on what his life was supposed to look like.

Yuzuru couldn’t help but consider flying back to Japan for a while. Hide in his old bedroom, think, maybe that would be helpful?

He glanced at Javi, who was walking next to him, and he got struck by a sudden realization.

“Christmas is next week.” he said and Javi hummed absently, looking at him.

“What? Ah, yes, the time flies-”

“Do you… have plans?”

Javi for sure had plans, he was such a family person, he probably was going home for a few days-

Javi stopped suddenly in the middle of the pavement, blinking rapidly, and Yuzuru realized that he wasn’t wearing a beanie again. 

“Oh.” Javi sighed, his shoulders dropping “Oh, right. I forgot.”

“Forgot about what?”

“We kind of… had plans, you and me.” Javi chuckled awkwardly, shaking his head “I-” he shook his head, sighing again and giving Yuzuru a brave smile “I guess the question is do you have Christmas plans?”

Yuzuru gaped, staring at Javi, vaguely aware of all those people passing them by. 

He had no idea what to say. 

Javi kept on looking at him, his gaze searching, and then he sighed quietly.

“I’m going to book you a ticket tonight. If you want.”

“I-” Yuzuru hesitated, because he didn’t want to hurt Javi, that was the last thing he wanted to do, but he couldn’t help but think that maybe he needed to look at everything from some distance.

“And you?” he asked and Javi shrugged.

“I will catch some plane too. I haven’t seen my family in some time.”

He was smiling, and if there was some sadness inside him, he was hiding it very well. So Yuzuru just nodded, smiling back, despite his chest feeling just a bit tight. 

What had he done, all those years ago, to deserve him?

Their apartment wasn’t that far now, and it was a pleasant walk, despite the cold. They were walking close, and their gloved hands were brushing from time to time, the slight touch sending pleasant shivers up Yuzuru’s arm. It was simpler, in the moments like that, quiet, when it felt like before, when they didn’t have to talk much to feel good in each other’s company.

“Would you mind stopping by?” Javi asked, stopping in front of a nice looking coffee shop, pretty close to the place they were living in “I feel like I need a caffeine-” he was cut off by his own phone, ringing sharply, and he sighed when he took a look at the screen.

“It’s Tracy, I should get it.”

“Sure, I will take care of it.” Yuzuru said quickly, feeling good that he could do something nice for Javi too, now that he knew how Javi liked his coffee.

The shop looked nice but didn’t ring a bell. The barista, on the other hand, seemed to recognize him, because his face lit up with a smile.

“Hello, Yuzuru!” he exclaimed, leaning over the counter with a wide smile “I haven’t seen you in forever, where have you been hiding?”

“Uhm, been busy.” Yuzuru said, a bit confused by that surprising friendliness “So I’d take… matcha…”

“I see we’re going with usual, huh.” the barista smiled, a bit flirty, and Yuzuru felt a bit uncomfortable “Okay, that will be-”

“Wait, wait, I’d have also one americano, with just a bit of milk.”

“Oh. Sure.” 

Yuzuru was confused. He wasn’t that kind of person that would like to be that friendly with strangers, and he started wondering of maybe that guy was his friend? Maybe they had talked a lot in the past?

Or… what if-

“Here you go.” the barista said, smiling as widely as before “I’m so happy you’re back I’m giving you my employee discount.” he added with a wink and Yuzuru felt his cheeks heating up a bit.

“Thanks.” he mumbled awkwardly, grabbing the cups “Uhm, bye?”

“Bye!”

“Hey, just in time!” Javi smiled, putting his phone to his pocket “Is this one for me? Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” Yuzuru said, distracted “Javi, do we come here often?”

“Yeah, I’d say so? We stop by from time to time, but you also like to sit here with your laptop when you don’t like to sit at home alone. Why are you asking?”

“It’s nothing, just the barista was… very friendly.” Yuzuru said, hoping that maybe Javi had an answer to that mystery, but Javi only shrugged and smiled a little, and Yuzuru told himself there was nothing to worry about. 

It wasn't possible that he had been flirting with other guys while being in a relationship, right?

 

* * *

 

Watching Javi work with kids was pretty great. Yuzuru could tell that he was a good coach, careful and encouraging, but strict when he had to be. The kids were looking at him with eyes full of wonder and honestly, Yuzuru could relate.

“Okay, that’s all, I will see you in a new year and don’t forget to practice while I’m not here!” Javi clapped and the rink was immediately filled with excited chatter and much noise as they were leaving the rink, clearly ready for holiday season, and Yuzuru smiled widely as he stood up, getting closer to the ice. 

Javi turned to look at him and made an unimpressed face.

“I can’t really convince you, can I?” he asked and Yuzuru shook his head, grinning.

“Nope. And the doctor gave me green light.”

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure that green light doesn’t allow jumps. Or spins. Or anything more advanced than just skating around slowly and elegantly.”

“You’re no fun, for real.”

It felt so good. 

The sound of his blades sliding through the ice 

It always felt special, stepping on the ice, and it was even more important now, because the last memory Yuzuru had of skating related to that place.

He closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply and enjoying the crisp sound of his blades cutting through the cools surface. 

Maybe everything around him was confusing, but at least that never changed, the way he was feeling on the ice. There was a temptation inside him, to do something, to try himself, but he somehow managed to stop himself from doing irresponsible things, like jumping axels or something. So, he decided to skate around a bit, aware of Javi watching him, and his heart stuttered a little.

He had his flight at noon the next day, while Javi had his in the late evening, and Yuzuru suddenly wasn’t sure how he was feeling about that. He felt good, living with Javi, but he couldn’t get rid of a feeling that it wasn’t exactly his life. 

And maybe it would be good, to catch some distance from Javi, from that whole situation that was sometimes still slightly uncomfortable, and his head was spinning with all the feelings and signals he was getting, so maybe-

\- he caught a hole in this ice and stumbled, almost falling, but suddenly Javi appeared is if from nowhere, wrapping his arms around him and steadying him.

“Jesus.” Javi sighed, pulling back a little, his hands still on Yuzuru’s shoulders so he could look at his face searchingly “You’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” Yuzuru muttered, slightly embarrassed “I just-”

“Yeah, no more skating today.” Javi ordered and Yuzuru rolled his eyes.

“Come on-”

“Nope. No. I don’t agree.” Javi said firmly and in the past Yuzuru would get annoyed, but now he felt just… just…

“Okay.” Yuzuru muttered and Javi smile, coming a bit closer, one hand moving to Yuzuru’s nape to touch it soothingly.

And suddenly he felt like there were two waves crashing inside him, causing a confusing mess as he realized that he had been focusing too much on what he was supposed to feel instead of truly  _feeling_ .

“Hey.” Javi said quietly, putting one hand on Yuzuru’s cheek, caressing it gently “All is good in here?”

His eyes were warm and so bright Yuzuru had to look away, choosing to look at the collar of Javi’s shirt, and everything felt so right, standing in the middle of the rink, sharing silence and closeness, and Yuzuru inhaled deeply, leaning closer until he was resting his forehead against Javi’s cheek.

“Hey.” Javi murmured again, sliding his hand into Yuzuru’s hair and gently forcing him to pull back “What’s the matter?”

It was just like that first time, Yuzuru moving forward and pressing his lips against Javi’s, silencing all the little voices whispering that maybe he shouldn’t be doing that. But Javi didn’t pull back that time; he only sighed brokenly and wrapped his arm around Yuzuru’s waist, pulling him closer, the other one still curled in Yuzuru’s hair. It was slow and timid, lips moving against lips in gentle, careful touches, and everything was warm and unhurried. 

Was it how their first kiss had looked like, too?

He wanted to look at Javi when they parted, their breathing rapid, but Javi didn’t let him. Instead, he pressed his lips against Yuzuru’s forehead, his hands trembling a little.

“Come back to me, okay?” Javi whispered “And… forgive me.”

“What?” Yuzuru managed to ask, pulling back a little so they could look Javi in the eyes, wide and glistening “What?”

Javi swallowed visibly, caressing Yuzuru’s cheek and taking a deep breath.

“I’m not strong enough to let you go, now. Even though maybe I should.” 

Javi’s voice and expression were full of sorrow and Yuzuru’s stomach twisted into a knot, heart dropping.

“I will be back.” he said, covering Javi’s hands with his “I will be back, I promise. I just need-”

“I know.” Javi said, giving him a strained smile “I know, it’s okay.” he squeezed Yuzuru’s fingers before tugging his hand gently “Come on, let’s go. You need to get some sleep.”

Yuzuru followed him silently, feeling dazed, and the only thing connecting him with reality was Javi’s hand.

 

* * *

 

 

_Yuzuru gasped, his back arching as he felt warm hands running down his sides before grasping his thighs, fingers digging into his skin._

_He was feeling hot, trapped between the strong body above him and soft sheets under his back, and everything around him was dark and charged._

_He needed more._

_"Please." he whispered, and he heard a low chuckle, someone's hot breath fanning over his sweaty temple "Please-"_

 

Yuzuru woke up with a gasp, and for a moment he had no idea where he was. He sat up, taking a few deep breaths and rubbing his face. 

It was just a dream. Just one incredibly vivid dream that was now a reason for his… small problem. Yuzuru groaned, falling on his back again and covering his face with a pillow in a frustrated gesture. How old he was, sixteen? 

Yuzuru closed his eyes, trying to breathe regularly and hoping that his arousal would fade away. It didn't happen, though, and Yuzuru couldn't pretend that he didn't know who he had been dreaming about. 

He groaned, falling on his back again and staring at the familiar ceiling above his head. He was in his room in Sendai, where he had arrived a few hours earlier. It had been overwhelming, but so comforting, to be surrounded by his family, and it felt so good Yuzuru almost teared up, relieved, because they were still the same people he remembered, loving him just like before. 

It was great, to be back home. 

But even now Javi was present in his life, still.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, inhaling shakily and trying not to think about Javi, about his soft shirt and calloused hands, about his gentle smile and feeling of his lips against Yuzuru’s. 

Yuzuru couldn't stand it, his body itching, so he stood up and started walking around the room, trying to calm his mind and body down. It felt so surreal, in that moment, in the safe darkness of his old room. He felt like it was 2019, still, and everything was easy. 

It wasn't the truth, though. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday morning update! Hope you will enjoy!

It was good, to be back home. 

There was something so soothing, to wake up in a familiar room, to know where everything was, to bask in a comfortable feeling of familiarity and his family’s presence. It was amazing, to have his parents and Saya so close after so many weeks of not seeing them. It was especially good to have his father so close, to catch after what felt like ages.

Surprisingly, no one beside his family found out that he was back to Japan, but apparently after his moving to Canada and stopping appearing in Japanese media, the public eye kind of lost that intense interest in him, choosing another sweetheart to go crazy about.

It was pretty refreshing, Yuzuru had to say.

“I mean, for the first few months it was pretty intense.” Saya said one day, when they were sitting in a living room, their parents out of the house “You didn’t make any announcement or anything, you just disappeared that you went somewhere and it took them some time to figure out you came back to Canada. They couldn’t find anything fascinating, though, so they gave up.”

“Hmm.” Yuzuru hummed into his cup, glancing at her “But… no one knows that… that-”

“That you and Javi are a thing? Nope.” Saya grinned “To be honest, you were so extra careful you were barely telling us about it, which was so rude?”

“Uhm-”

“But I get it.” Say smiled, softer now “I could see how important it was to you, so we didn’t press.” her smile dimmed a little, eyes turning serious “It’s sucks that it had to happen.” 

Yuzuru nodded, wrapping his hands around the cup and biting his lower lip. 

"I try to imagine it, sometimes." he said quietly "Me, telling him that I love him. And-" he stopped, chuckling to himself quietly "And it feels less and less surreal with every time."

"Oh Yuzu." Saya said softly, reaching to touch his arm "It's going to be okay. And to be honest, you're taking it much better than I thought you would. You… maybe you don’t remember, but you’re so much calmer, now, when you have Javi in your life again. It’s like…” she stopped suddenly, her expression unsure, and Yuzuru felt a spike of uncertainty. 

“Like what?”

Saya looked at him carefully for a moment before sighing quietly, as she was making some hard choice.

“You were so burned out, when you finished skating. It’s like… you had no idea what to do, with yourself and with your life. And it was… it was hard for you, and it was hard for us, to watch you and not be able to help you. And then Brian reached out to you, and it took us some convincing, for you to take that chance. And when you did, we all knew that it was the best thing that could happen to you.” Saya smiled “He is the best thing that happened to you, honestly.”

Yuzuru stared at her, feeling his cheeks heating up a little. Hearing all of that from her lips were making it all… even more real, not just some story that he could try to ignore.

“It’s just so complicated.” Yuzuru sighed, shaking his head “He- he’s trying so hard and I… he told me that the most important thing was that we were best friends, and I feel like he’s trying to convince me that it would be enough for him, friendship, but I can see that he is trying to convince himself. And-” he stopped himself in the last minute, biting his lower lip, and Saya sent him a curious glance.

“And?” she pressed and then gasped, her eyes going wide “Oh my god, did you have sex already?”

“No!” Yuzuru spluttered, horrified “No, what the hell?”

“Well I’m sorry, you just look-” Saya made some vague hand gesture and Yuzuru sighed, resigning to the fact that he had to confide in someone finally, and Saya was probably the best choice. 

“So… we kissed. Twice.” Yuzuru admitted and Saya squealed with excitement.

“Oh yes, you finally want to talk about details of your relationship, please, continue!”

“You are terrible.” Yuzuru snorted “And there are no more details.” he stated firmly, deciding to keep his… new kind of dreams private.

Still, it was so good to talk with someone who knew him so well, and with whom he was feeling so sure and familiar. It made sense to him, that he had been keeping his relationship with Javi private; it had been the same when he was thinking about coming out, keeping everything a secret for long, long time, even from the people closest to him. And he could feel, he knew, that what him and Javi had was so impossibly important to him that he wanted to keep it safe, letting them grow stronger and stronger. 

“Okay, okay.” Saya broke his train of thought, smiling at him teasingly “Just tell me, how it felt? Good? Do you, I don’t know, feel something more?”

“It-” Yuzuru hesitated for a moment “It makes me feel at home, even when everything is confusing and strange. It feels like I had always wanted to do this, somehow.” Yuzuru said and the chuckled “Strange, isn’t it?”

“Nah.” Saya shook her head, smiling gently “Do you remember when you were still a teenager and you had the biggest crush on him? It was so cute.”

“Oh stop.” Yuzuru groaned, rubbing his face with embarrassment “It was ages ago!”

“It was, and it was hilarious.” Saya snorted, clearly amused beyond belief “But let’s be honest, little brother, back then the only thing you were in love with was skating. I’m so happy that it changed, though.” she added, warmer “I always thought there was a chance for you to be something more, and it’s good that you guys found it.”

The conversation was broken by their parents coming back home, and their occupied Yuzuru’s mind by talking about work and common friends they had bumped into in a store. Then they had dinner and Yuzuru let himself bask in those little rituals he remembered so well, all the things he had been craving since waking up after the accident. 

After those few days spent at home Yuzuru learned that his family absolutely adored Javi. His mom spent solid ten minutes on praising his cooking skills- apparently, he had cooked them some amazing Spanish dish while visiting a day earlier- and even his father had a big amount of warm words. That was making Yuzuru breathe with relief, because he had been a little bit anxious about that, but now he could see that there was no reason. 

Javi was texting him every day, asking if he was okay and sending him some pictures from time to time. A selfie, and another one with Laura, a picture of a Christmas tree. It was a bit new, texting like that and not exchanging messages once in a few weeks, like he was used to. But he found himself enjoying it, he was enjoying it a lot, despite a bit of a mix up with time zones.

And honestly, he missed Javi. 

It was a different kind of longing he had been feeling after Javi’s retirement. It had been hard, and it demanded from Yuzuru to figure out how to be on the ice again. But now, it felt deeper, more important, as if there was something warm and fragile growing inside him, making him light up at every mention of Javi’s name. 

Yuzuru grinned to himself when he saw the newest pic Javi had sent him, a picture taken in a crowded kitchen with table full of food and Laura in a background, covered in something what had to be sugar or flour. Javi’s face was a bit blurry, but his smile was wide and happy, and Yuzuru’s heart skipped a beat. 

He sighed and put the phone away, stretching himself and finding a comfortable position. It was late and he hoped to fall asleep soon so he could wake up early and well rested for the small trip his family had planned. He exhaled deeply, closing his eyes and let his mind wander absently, and before he knew it, he drifted away to sleep.

 

* * *

 

_He was sitting on a sofa, in the living room in that Toronto apartment, legs curled and a book in his lap. He was trying to focus, but he couldn’t. Javi was sitting on the floor, surrounded by papers, pen in his hand and glasses on his nose. He was focused, chewing on his bottom lip, and Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself from glancing at him every few moments._

_“You’re staring at me.” Javi said without raising his head and Yuzuru could basically feel himself blushing, looking down at his book again, not even remembering the last sentence he had read._

_“I’m not.” he muttered and Javi laughed at that._

_“Sure. And you’re so not judging my lack of socks.”_

_“This is irresponsible, okay, I only care about your health!” Yuzuru stressed out, looking up to meet Javi’s wide grin “And stop laughing!”_

_“I can’t, you’re hilarious- hey!” Javi yelped when a pillow hit his face “That’s so rude, come here you little bastard-”_

 

Yuzuru woke up with a yelp, sitting up, his heart beating faster than usual. He placed his hand over his chest bone, rubbing it and trying to get his breathing to normal. 

“It’s just a dream, come on.” he muttered to himself “Just a dream.”

That was it, right? Just his brain playing tricks on him.

Or maybe, it was something else? 

He exhaled deeply and fell back on the beds, breathing steadily. His heartbeat was back to normal, but he was feeling odd, his skin sensitive and hot, and he winced, unhappy. 

Without much thinking, he reached for his phone, checking time. It was a little bit after 2am and he quickly calculated time zones, hitting ‘call’ before he could change his mind.

“Hey!” Javi answered after four rings, and Yuzuru could hear faint sound of laughter and glass against glass “Are you okay? It’s so late at you place, is everything fine?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Yuzuru muttered, feeling slightly embarrassed “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“No, hey, it’s okay.” Javi said quickly and Yuzuru heard the door close, cutting the other voices off “So, what are you doing up at that time?”

“I just- I was thinking.” Yuzuru sighed, rubbing his brow.

“Yeah? About what?”

“About socks.” Yuzuru blurted out and Javi was silent for a second before chuckling quietly.

“Socks, huh? What about them?”

"Come on." Yuzuru muttered and Javi sighed deeply. 

"It's just… our thing." Javi said "Bickering about it." 

Yuzuru hummed quietly, thinking about that time Javi had cried, that first time they kissed, and his heart stuttered weirdly. 

"It's silly, I know." Javi said, misreading Yuzuru's silence. 

"No, no." Yuzuru hurried "It's… very valid. Socks are important." 

"Mhh. So important you can't sleep because of it?" 

"... no." Yuzuru admitted after a moment and Javi hummed softly. 

"You want to talk about it?" 

“I-” Yuzuru hesitated “I’m just-”

“I know.” Javi said quietly “Lost. Unsure.” he swallowed loudly “Scared.”

“Is this how you feel?” Yuzuru asked, gripping his phone more tightly, and Javi sighed. 

“Not about the same things as you.” he said softly and Yuzuru’s stomach churned, clenching a bit painfully.

“Is there something I can do?” he couldn’t help but ask, hoping, but Javi only laughed shortly, and Yuzuru could almost see him shaking his head.

“It’s something I have to deal with by myself. And I need you not to worry about me. You think of yourself, Yuzu, and doing what feels right.” 

A moment of silence, two hearts beating the same rhythm on two different sides of the world.

“You’re too kind, Javi.” Yuzuru whispered, not thinking, just going with what he was feeling “You were always too kind.”

“I wish I was half as good as you think I am.” Javi said quietly, his voice trembling a little, and Yuzuru had so many questions, but not enough courage to voice them, not when there was the whole world between them and they were both feeling so fragile and vulnerable. 

“Do you want to come back?”

Yuzuru inhaled sharply, taken aback by the sudden question, coming from nowhere.

“What?”

“I thought-” Javi stumbled, his accent a bit heavier, like every time he was getting unsure or upset “If you feel good there, maybe you should stay. If it’s better for you.”

Yuzuru felt some weird itching in his throat, as if he was about to cry, and he swallowed hard, trying to get rid of that feeling.

“I don’t know what’s better, or what I’m going to do.” he said quietly when he found his voice again “But I know that I miss you.”

Javi’s breathing hitched and he sighed, deeply, as if he was realizing something important.

“I will wait for you.” 

_I will wait for you_ \- it echoed in Yuzuru’s head as his eyelids fluttered, his thoughts turning blurry.

_I will wait for you._

‘Don’t worry’, Yuzuru thought with the last bit of consciousness ‘I will find my way back to you.’

* * *

 

"You don't want to stay a few days longer?" 

Yuzuru shook his head, smiling at his mom gently. 

"I love being here with you." he said softly "But I feel like I should come back to Toronto. Like it's better for… for my memory. I spent the last years there, in the end." 

"I know." his mom sighed, carefully tasting the broth she was cooking and nodding "I got used to you not being home, but I'd feel better if I could keep an eye on you. Pass me salt?" 

"I get it." Yuzuru said, doing what she asked for "And it's great to be here. Familiar and safe, but… but I feel that if I want to get my memories back, Toronto is the place." 

"You're right." she said and then chuckled quietly "It's good that Javi is there, so I'm much calmer." 

"Yeah." Yuzuru hummed absently, going back to chopping cucumbers. 

It was New Year's Eve and him and his mom were preparing a meal for the whole family. Earlier that day Yuzuru had booked a flight back to Toronto, leaving on the second. It was the right choice, he knew, and his heart fluttering at all the possibilities coming back to Canada could bring. 

"Mom." he asked suddenly "How do you know you are in love?" 

She flinched and looked at him, putting down a spoon she was holding. 

"Oh Yuzu." she sighed, shaking her head a little "My sweet boy." 

"I know it's a dumb question." Yuzuru muttered, putting down the knife as well and turning to face his mother "I just -" 

"Let me tell you something, Yuzu." his mother said, reaching to cup his cheek "You and Javi… you didn't need to say anything for us to know. I could see it in his smile, and in the way, you beam when he touches you." 

"I just want to know." Yuzuru whispered, leaning into her familiar touch "And I want to feel it again." he admitted, something he had barely came to terms himself. 

"I think…" his mom said with a smile, her eyelashes a bit wet "I think that something so big and pure can never be lost. You just have to find it again." 


	7. Chapter 7

Yuzuru tightened his grip on a handle of his suitcase, looking around the crowded terminal. He had put his jacket on when he grabbed his luggage and he was regretting it, feeling too hot in so many layers of clothes.

It was a familiar airport, he had been there so many times before, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling a little bit lost now, lonely in the sea of people. 

And there, a familiar touch on his shoulder. 

Yuzuru span around and saw Javi's wide smile, and just like that everything was right. 

"Javi!" he squealed, dropping his luggage and throwing himself into Javi's arms "You're here!" 

"Of course." Javi chuckled, arms wrapping around Yuzuru's waist securely, warm breath tickling his temple "How was your flight? Everything good?" 

"It was okay. I napped a bit." 

"That's good." Javi nodded, grabbing Yuzuru's suitcase and not paying attention to his protest "I'm still jet lagged, so I feel like once we get back, I'll throw myself to bed and sleep for the next ten to twelve hours." 

"You didn't have to pick me up if you're tired." Yuzuru said, feeling a bit guilty, but Javi only shook his head with a smile. 

"It's okay. I wanted to see you." 

Yuzuru's heart fluttered like a small butterfly trapped between his ribs. 

He had spent a lot of time, thinking about it, about him and Javi. Yuzuru couldn't deny that there was something between them, a strong friendship, and deep attraction. Yuzuru could feel it even now, as he was watching Javi driving, his gaze focused, and Yuzuru fingers were itching to touch Javi's face, feel that familiar warmth. 

And Javi… Javi cared about him so much. Yuzuru didn't have to remember to know it. 

And it was good, to be back, because he had been missing Javi, so much he could feel it coiling inside his chest, squeezing his lungs and not letting him breathe. 

He had thought about it a lot. About what people were telling him and about what had happened between them already, about talks, socks, kisses and that overwhelming feeling of safety he always experience in Javi's presence. 

Yuzuru was still getting used to that new life, life after skating, life with Javi. 

It was new, but it felt right, and Yuzuru had learned long time before that he should follow his gut. 

"And now we're stuck." Javi sighed, bringing Yuzuru back to reality. He blinked rapidly and realized that they were in a middle of a traffic. 

"Well, I should have thought it through." Javi said, giving Yuzuru a sheepish smile "Sorry." 

"It's okay." Yuzuru smiled; without much thinking, he reached for Javi's hand, the one resting on the hand break, and entwined their fingers together "I don't mind." 

Javi smiled again, a bit shy that time. He glanced at the road, but all the cars were unmoved, so he looked at Yuzuru again. 

"How are you? You had a good time?" 

"I did. It was great." Yuzuru nodded "They all can't wait to see you." 

A corner of Javi's mouth twitched, his expression turning soft. 

"I'd like to see them too." 

Once again Yuzuru felt as if time stopped, caught up in Javi's smile, in the way his hand felt in Yuzuru's, warm and strong and steady. 

Yuzuru wanted to kiss him so much in that moment, but before he had a chance the car in front of him moved and Javi flinched, quickly starting the engine again, the moment broken. 

“So-” Javi cleared his throat after a moment of silence, stealing a glance at him “- Effie and Hoshi got so fat, I think Tracy fell for those big eyes and fake meowing.”

“I can’t wait to see them.” Yuzuru smiled to himself “I missed them.” he admitted and then glanced at Javi, feeling some warm sparks inside his chest “I missed you a lot too.” he said softly and saw how Javi smiled broadly, eyes still focused on the road in front of him.

“I’m happy you’re back.” he said quietly and Yuzuru chuckled quietly, leaning against the headrest.

“Me too.”

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru couldn’t fall asleep. To be fair, it was pretty early, but he was feeling tired after long travelling, and a little bit overwhelmed with coming back to Toronto, being so close to Javi again.

Javi, who was currently deep asleep, probably; it was clear as a day that he still was trying get rid of a jet lag, despite coming back to Toronto two days earlier. It wasn’t that much of a surprise, though, Yuzuru remembered that Javi had always had more troubles with changing time zones. So, now Javi was probably- hopefully- deep asleep, while Yuzuru was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. His body was tired, but his mind wasn’t, really; for a moment he considered taking sleeping pills but decided against it. He had taken enough meds in his life; he didn’t want to take more than necessary. 

Suddenly he felt soft padding on the carpet and a moment later he felt something warm and fluffy nuzzling against his cheek.

“Hey.” he muttered, carding his fingers through Effie’s fur “Javi closed the door and you want to cuddle to someone, huh? Hoshi still sleeping in that old box behind the tv?”

Effie meowed quietly and then curled herself on the pillow next to Yuzuru’s head, ad he turned on his side to look at her.

“So, you like me in the end, a bit?” he asked, petting her head gently and she purred “Are you happy I’m back?”

Effie opened one eye but ignored him, and it wasn't like Yuzuru was expecting an answer. Still, it felt nice to say some things out loud. 

"Were you there when we kissed for the first time?" he asked quietly "Have I… have I ever told him that I loved him?" 

He couldn't help but wonder if that was the reason Javi sometimes looked a bit unsure, as if he didn't know how to act. What if their relationship had been in a fragile state, maybe still learning each other… getting there? 

Yuzuru closed his eyes, thinking about Javi's soft expression, his kind smile. 

It wasn't hard to believe that Javi was in love with him. 

But was Yuzuru in love with Javi? 

He had never been in love before. He had a few crushes, those little fleeting things fading away after some time.

_You're my best friend_ Javi had said, and Yuzuru wondered if for him, they were ever more. What if he had been just… using Javi, using the fact that he felt good with him? 

He was always selfish, but not that much, right? 

Right? 

"I'm not an asshole, right?" Yuzuru asked, looking at Effie who once again decided to ignore him. 

It looked like that thing he had to find out by himself.

 

* * *

 

He woke up to the sound of a running shower and Javi's cheerful singing. Yuzuru smiled to himself and nuzzled into a pillow, feeling warm and content. It had to be close to noon, judging by the amount of light outside, and Yuzuru chuckled into a pillow. In the past he couldn't allow himself to sleep that long, or maybe he didn't want to allow himself. 

It still was weird, not to be competing, but Yuzuru got used to it, somehow, quicker than he could ever expect. 

He sighed against the pillow, feeling warm and relaxed. After a few minutes water stopped running, so Javi was probably done with showering, drying himself up and-

Oh. 

_Oh_ . 

Yuzuru gasped, his eyes flying open as he felt heavy arousal stirring inside his belly. He bit his lower lip, trying to think about something else, but it was pointless, as if his mind and body finally decided that they were done with pretending. 

Because there was no point in denying that he was feeling strong attraction towards Javi, deep and nagging. He knew it was norm, his body reacting, his muscles remembering. Still, it didn't feel right, but Yuzuru had been trying so hard not to give in. 

But he couldn't stop himself, now. 

He couldn't stop himself from thinking about Javi's body, well defined muscles and tanned skin. Javi had a habit of not only forgetting socks, but apparently, he also wasn't a fan of sleeping in a shirt sometimes, so Yuzuru had had an occasion to see him shirtless a few times and… 

… and now those images were burning under his eyelids, no matter how much he tried to get rid of them. His body moved as if on its own, rolling against the mattress, and Yuzuru pressed his face against the pillow to prevent any sounds from escaping his lips. 

It was quick and easy, his brain showing him pictures and scenarios that were making him writhe with shame but also sent shivers of excitement through his entire body. 

His relief left him breathless and trembling, his skin red and covered with sweat. He rolled on his back, breathing hard and staring at the ceiling, his heartbeat fast and erratic. 

Yuzuru's body felt great, limp and warm and relaxed, but his mind was screaming. 

He jumped on his feet the moment he heard Javi leaving the room and he basically ran there, and three minutes later he was standing under a stream of water and debating with himself what to do. 

When was the last time he had had sex? He could recall that one guy he had hooked up in a summer of 2019, but that couldn't be his last sexual encounter, him and Javi were together, they for sure had sex? 

He felt like he should bring that up, despite feeling like dying from embarrassment at the mere thought of having a talk like that. On the other hand, he wanted things between him and Javi being as clear as possible, for the sake of their relationship. 

When he got out of the shower, he quickly threw his sheets into the washing machine and then padded to the kitchen, feeling a bit nervous. 

"Hey, you slept like dead, I was starting to worry!" Javi exclaimed, grinning as he waved with a spatula "I'm making pancakes, it's more lunch time though, you want some?" 

“Yeah, of course.” Yuzuru muttered, sitting down by the table “I will, uh, I will start making breakfast tomorrow, so you don’t have to do everything.”

“I don’t mind-”

“I do.” Yuzuru said firmly “You can’t keep on doing all the stuff for me.”

Javi kept on looking at him for a moment before he smiled, nodding shortly and bringing his attention back to pancakes, and Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself.

“Javi, when was the last time we had sex?”

Javi dropped the spatula.

“Uh, what?” he screeched and Yuzuru chewed on his bottom lip, nervous but determined to get some things straight.

“I just, I was thinking about it.” he muttered, feeling his cheeks heating up “And, uhm, I-” 

Javi was staring at him with wide eyes, blushing hard and Yuzuru regretted everything. Javi was clearly uncomfortable beyond belief, and it wasn’t like they would… do something now, right? 

“You know what, forget about it.” Yuzuru said, giving Javi a half- smile “I’m just-”

Javi sighed deeply, making his way to the table, putting down a plate with food and then dropping on his chair.

“Look, Yuzu-” he said and then sighed again, leaning a bit closer “Look, this is… I... I don’t know what to say?”

“I just want to know… I need a clue, Javi. I need a clue, how it looked like between us, because-” Yuzuru took a deep breath, nervous beyond belief “- you are so wonderful, but I’m feeling a bit lost.”

Javi kept on looking at him, his eyes big and serious, as if he was making a decision. 

“We were taking it really slow.” he said finally “It’s- it’s important and we didn’t want to blow it.”

Yuzuru blinked a few times, thinking about Javi’s words and realizing how much sense they had. Javi had never had a boyfriend before and Yuzuru was never too keen on getting into relationships. It was logical, that they weren’t rushing, Yuzuru guessed, and he thought that he could work with that. The question about their sex life still wasn’t answered, but Javi was clearly uncomfortable talking about it when Yuzuru didn’t remember, so he decided to let it go. 

“Okay.” Yuzuru said, putting his hand on Javi’s thigh and squeezing gently “Slow is fine. Slow is great.”

“Okay.” Javi exhaled deeply, smiling with relief, and Yuzuru tilted his head a little, his hand on Javi’s thigh curling a little.

“How slow, though?” he asked a bit teasingly and Javi gulped for air.

“I mean-”

Yuzuru kissed him, gently and briefly, and Javi sighed against his mouth, clearly content with a feeling. Yuzuru let his lips linger on Javi’s for a moment before he pulled back, happy to see Javi smiling. 

“Wow.” Javi chuckled, shaking his head “I- uh, I need food.” he announced, digging into a pancake and Yuzuru grinned, following him.

“Can I ask where that came from, though?” Javi asked and Yuzuru shrugged, feeling his cheeks heating up again but not really minding.

“I kind of… think about you, you know.”

Javi stared at him for a moment before dropping his fork and covering his mouth with his hands, and then suddenly his shoulders started shaking with laughter. 

“Look at us.” he chuckled “We’re such a mess, I-” he laughed shortly before reaching for Yuzuru’s hand and squeezing it gently “I’m happy you’re here with me.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru smiled, his heart fluttering “Me too.”

 

* * *

 

“Hey.” Yuzuru smiled, knocking to the door frame of Brian’s office “Do you have a minute?”

“Of course!” his former coach smiled, putting some papers aside “Come, come.” 

“I won’t take you long.” Yuzuru said, taking a seat in front of Brian “Just wanted to ask if maybe… if maybe I could come back to work, maybe for half- time? I know it’s inconvenient, since I still have… troubles, but I was hoping that maybe I could do something.”

“Yeah, of course.” Brian smiled broadly, grabbing a piece of paper and looking at it for a moment “I actually talked about it with Linda, who jumped in as a substitute- what would you say about having a few classes together until you get a good grasp on teaching again? I just really want you to feel sure, you know that, right?”

“Of course! I think it’s a good idea.” Yuzuru nodded “I have to say, it seems kind of scary now, but I was able to do it, right? And I just don’t want to sit at home anymore when Javi’s here, at work.”

“That’s understandable.” Brian smiled with sympathy “You were always a restless one.” he chuckled “But you and Javi are okay, right?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru smiled, nodding “We’re just… taking it slow.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

Yuzuru was sitting on one of the benches close to the rink and trying his best to pretend that he wasn't staring. Luckily no one was paying too much attention to him, both Brian and Javi busy with the last moments of the class, their students tired but focused. 

So, he was staring, but since no one knew it-

“Hi!” someone exclaimed loudly right next to him and Yuzuru almost jumped up, taken by surprise.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you.” Jason laughed, sitting down next to him “You’re done with work today?”

“Yeah, just waiting for Javi to finish his class so we can go home together.” 

“That’s so cute.” Jason cooed, flashing Yuzuru a bright smile “You guys are so sugar- sweet, I don’t know how to handle.”

“Uhh, thanks?” Yuzuru chuckled sheepishly, and he couldn’t help but steal a glance in Javi’s direction. Jason didn’t miss it and his grin turned even wider.

“You know, there was a bet going on.” he said and Yuzuru looked at him, scrunching his nose.

“A bet?”

“Yeah, when you guys would go public.” Jason chuckled “I never thought it would happen that way, though.”

“Uhh, that’s… I don’t know, kind of embarrassing?” Yuzuru chuckled awkwardly and Jason’s face morphed into sympathy.

“Aww, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, I remember how it was when me and Shoma-”

“Wait what?” Yuzuru screeched and Jason gaped, covering his mouth.

“I forgot you don’t remember, oh fu-” he chuckled nervously “So, uh, me and Shoma are… a thing?”

“What.” Yuzuru said flatly, trying to understand what was going on. He had exchanged some messages with Shoma since his injury, but they barely mentioned their private lives “You and-”

“Oh boy, can we, uhh, not talk about it now, I- oh hey Javi!” Jason exclaimed, standing up rapidly “And now, bye Javi!”

“Okay, that was weird.” Javi chuckled when Jason basically run away and Yuzuru kept on staring into the void “Everything okay?”

“I just learned that him and Shoma are… dating?” 

“Oh.” Javi chuckled “Yeah, it was a shock the first time, so I guess nothing changed now…”

“I’m confused.” Yuzuru sighed, shaking his head “This is too much information.”

“You poor thing.” Javi chuckled, stepping closer and gently ruffling Yuzuru’s hair “You waited for me?”

“Of course.” Yuzuru scoffed, standing up “I don’t remember which bus I have to take.”

“Liar.”

“Obviously.”

Javi smiled sunnily and took Yuzuru’s hand, squeezing in briefly before taking a step back. 

“Just let me take a quit shower and we’re running.”

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru was having a problem. He had thought he could handle it, but it was getting more and more obvious he couldn’t. 

They were supposed to take things slow. Javi was respecting it, so much, since he was the one who had brought it up, and Yuzuru was trying to respect it too, but it was getting almost impossible.

The thing was, his physical attraction to Javi was… difficult to contain, now. And Yuzuru was trying, he was trying hard, but it seemed like the soft easiness from those days right after his injury was gone, and now every touch, every glance was setting his insides on fire.

It was killing him from inside. 

He knew that Javi was affected too, somehow. He could see it in his silhouette, in the way he would turn his eyes away just a heartbeat quicker than before. The attraction was mutual, he knew it, he could feel it, but he couldn’t decide what to do about it. 

And, of course, being himself, he started overthinking it. He knew it wasn’t probably the best way, but he had no idea how to deal with everything what was going on, inside him and between him and Javi. And to be honest, he also had no idea when they were standing. They were sleeping in their own bedrooms, but they kissed good morning in the kitchen, the coffee machine working quietly in the background. They held hands while they were walking to work, and Yuzuru was still sometimes waking up feeling hot and heavy- breathing, pieces of a dream coiling inside his head and chest. 

He wanted more, so much more, the longing rooted somewhere deep in his bones, as if marking him forever. And he wanted to talk about it, but he was still baffled by that look in Javi’s eyes, sometimes, a shadow of something unnamed, a flicker of anxiety. It felt like there was something Javi wasn’t telling him, and Yuzuru could understand it, still remembering what his doctor had said, about trying to get his brain to bring the memories back by itself. 

Yuzuru didn’t talk about it too much, but he was getting slowly coming to terms with a thought that maybe he would never get those memories back. It was frustrating, and it was wrong, because Yuzuru hated not being in control. It was hard, but he was slowly pushing forward, getting comfortable in that new reality. 

Still, he felt like he needed something, or someone, to ground him, to hold him and assure him that everything would be okay. 

He needed Javi. He needed him so much it almost hurt. 

Yuzuru took a deep breath, stopping in front of Javi’s door. There were quiet footsteps coming from inside, a rustling of a fabric, crack of the wardrobe door, a deep exhale. The last time Yuzuru had felt so nervous was the last worlds he remembered, stepping to the ice before the free, feeling as if it was a moment that could define his whole life. 

It felt like a defining moment too, as Yuzuru was making a decision that could turn everything upside down, but he could feel in his bones that it was a right decision.

He took a deep breath before reaching for a door- knob and going inside, deciding not to knock.

“Hey.” Javi smiled, a bit confused “You scared me, everything okay?”

He looked so soft and warm, standing barefoot in the middle of the room in his washed-out pyjamas, and Yuzuru’s heart stuttered.

“Is everything okay?” Javi repeated and Yuzuru blinked, caught up in a moment, before slowly making his way closer, until there very only a few centimetres separating them. 

Javi tilted his head, his smile gentle and a little confused. 

“Hey.” he murmured, bringing his hand to caress Yuzuru’s cheek softly “What’s the matter?”

“I want to be with you.” Yuzuru breathed out, leaving his heart open in one big leap of faith.

Javi didn’t seem to understand, his gaze puzzled, but then he gasped, his eyes going wide, hand dropping to his side. 

“What-” he blinked rapidly “Oh, Yuzu, I-” he shook his head, giving him a strained smile “I… you-” he stuttered, and Yuzuru’s heart dropped. 

"Javi, I-" Yuzuru licked his lips, feeling how dry and chapped they were "Please." he whispered and Javi closed his eyes, his chest raising in ragged breathing, his expression tense. 

"I can't." he whispered, looking at Yuzuru, his eyes filled with desperation "Yuzu, I can't." 

"But why?" Yuzuru asked, taking one step closer, his chest burning "Do you…. you don't want me anymore?" 

"No, Yuzu-" Javi choked out, his voice strained "I've never wanted you more." 

Yuzuru gasped, closing his eyes for a second, feeling a thrill running through his entire body, his throat going dry.

He wanted it, no, he craved it, his body feeling starved and sensitive. 

In that moment, he could think only about himself.

So, he stepped even closer, pressing his body against Javi’s and taking his face in his hands. 

"You don't know." Javi whispered, his eyelids fluttering and lips trembling "You don't know, and if you did, you-" 

"It's okay." Yuzuru cut him off gentle, leaning his forehead against Javi's "I… I don't remember, but I know one thing. It doesn't matter if we were, if we are together. I know that I want you. Now. No matter what happened and what didn't." 

Javi exhaled deeply against his lips, his trembling fingers coming to grasp a collar of Yuzuru's shirt. 

It felt like eternity, before Javi closed the distance between their lips, kissing Yuzuru painfully slow, careful, as if he was still hesitating, but Yuzuru knew that it was sealed, now. 

He put his hands on Javi's shoulders, fingers digging, feeling warm muscles through the thin fabric of his shirt. 

He walked backwards, pulling Javi with him until they fell on the bed, limbs tangling and small gasps escaping their lips. Javi mumbled something, and Yuzuru felt that he wanted to pull away, but he didn’t let him. Instead he wrapped his arms and legs around Javi and flipped them over so he was on top, pinning Javi down with a grip that would be easy to escape if Javi only wanted to. But Javi only looked up at him, with big, dark eyes, and Yuzuru’s heart was beating so hard he could feel his blood pulsing in his temples rapidly. 

Yuzuru had never wanted anyone as much as he wanted Javi, longing imprinted deep in his bones, filling his lungs and taking his breath away.

“Please.” he whispered, closing his eyes and leaning down, letting their noses brush, their breathing mixing in that little space separating their lips.

Yuzuru wanted that, more than anything, to know, to feel, but if Javi didn’t want it, for whatever reason, Yuzuru would back away. 

But Javi only breathes out, deeply, as if he was giving up, and he brought his hands to Yuzuru’s face, cupping his cheeks and making their eyes meet. 

“Are you sure?” Javi asked, voice catching in his throat “Are you sure-?”

Yuzuru hadn’t been that sure about something in a long, long time.

He didn’t voice that thought, though, he just leaned in and kissed Javi again, deeper and more urgent than before, hoping that it was enough to make up for his lack of words. And when Javi moaned quietly, running one hand down Yuzuru’s spine and placing it on the small of his back, Yuzuru knew that there was no going back now. 

Javi let him take the lead, sighing when Yuzuru stripped him off his clothes, his muscles straining a little when Yuzuru got rid of his pants; Yuzuru was afraid that he would want to stop, but Javi’s eyes were clouded with desire, only the slightest of shadows dancing in the corner of his mouth.

Yuzuru didn’t know what the reason was, exactly. Maybe because he still couldn’t remember, and it was making Javi feel somehow uncomfortable in that situation; but at the same time, it was clear that he wanted Yuzuru, despite whatever was making him hold back. 

And Yuzuru… he couldn’t help himself either. 

For him, it was the first time he could do that, place his hands on Javi’s naked chest, feel his hot skin and strong muscles, and it was making his lips go dry. 

Why hadn’t he felt like that before, with Javi, with any of his previous sexual partners. They were just kissing now, some pieces of clothing still present, but it already felt better than anything he had experienced before. 

“Oh.” Javi gasped, throwing his head back as Yuzuru kissed his jaw, enjoying the short stubble under his lips, and he hummed approvingly when he felt Javi’s hand sneaking under his shirt, pressing hot touches to his back.

“Take it off.” Javi moaned, tugging at the hem and Yuzuru sat upright, helping him with that and then quickly getting rid of his pants and underwear with just a little bit of fumbling. Now the only thing separating them was Javi’s boxers and Yuzuru hooked one finger on the waistband, making sure that Javi was looking him in the eyes, thinking about his previous hesitation.

“Can I?” he asked and Javi swallowed visibly before nodding, his eyes wide.

It was fairly new to Yuzuru, to be the one in the lead. His previous partners had been mostly one-night stands when the only thing he cared about was finding his release and letting the other side to take care of most. But now it was different, because it was Javi, and Yuzuru maybe didn’t remember, but he trusted him completely, and he knew that Javi trusted him too, and it was making everything so much more important.

So Yuzuru smiled, reaching to take Javi’s hand, squeezing his fingers before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Javi’s covered cock, drawing a strangled moan out of him. 

It was hot and hazy, lips meeting sloppily as their bodies were moving against each other, with nothing between them now. Javi kept Yuzuru close, kissing his face as Yuzuru prepared himself, a bit clumsily, enjoying it but loving how Javi let him do everything on his own pace, his hands gripping Yuzuru’s hips, moving across his back, touching his neck. 

Yuzuru felt drunk, drunk with Javi’s warmth, with pleasure sparking alongside his spine, with his heavy arousal, coiling in is belly and making him move against Javi in small, sharp motions, drawing choked out moans out of him. 

"Yuzu." Javi said brokenly when Yuzuru reached for the condom, his whole-body tensing "Yuzu, I-"

"It's okay." Yuzuru whispered, gently pressing his fingers against Javi’s lips "It's okay." 

It felt like nothing he had experience before, the fullness, heat, intimacy. His eyes never left Javi's as he moved on top of him, slow but sure, marvelling in the incredible feeling of their bodies being joined. 

It took them a moment to find the rhythm that was making Yuzuru keen, and a part of him wanted to speed up and chase his release while there was a nagging feeling to make it last, to relearn their bodies again. 

But then, he realized dizzily, leaning to kiss Javi on the lips- there would be so much more time, and so many more opportunities. 

Javi moaned quietly against his lips as Yuzuru's moves turned quicker, Javi's hips responding and making Yuzuru mewl with pleasure. 

"That's good." he mumbled into Javi's mouth "That's- ah!" he cried out quietly as his orgasm hit him unexpectedly, waves of pleasure crushing inside him and leaving him senseless. He was vaguely aware of Javi's hushed praise and hands moving on his back soothingly, but only when he raised on his elbows to look at Javi, he realized that his partner hadn't come. 

"Javi." Yuzuru whispered hoarsely, touching his cheek, and Javi exhaled deeply, giving him a strained smile, and Yuzuru realized that for some reason he was still holding back, despite hanging on the edge, there was still something in the way. 

Javi's eyes were full of want and desperation, and Yuzuru's heart broke a little. 

"I'm-" Javi started raspily, cupping Yuzuru's cheek with his shaking hand "I'm going to-" 

Yuzuru shook his head a little, turning to kiss inside of Javi's palm before sitting straight up, the movement making him shudder. 

"You're not going to hurt me." he whispered as he started moving again, gasping a little at the overstimulation that was just on the edge of light pain, but Javi's expression was more than enough of a prize for that. 

"You would never hurt me." Yuzuru panted and Javi whimpered brokenly, his back arching, body trembling "Come on, Javi, let go, let go for me." 

And Javi did just that, with a broken moan escaping his lips, his expression slack with pleasure. He was beautiful like that, and suddenly he looked so vulnerable Yuzuru's heart melted. 

He slowly slipped off Javi's lap and kissed his cheek, smiling. 

"Thank you." he whispered and Javi's breathing hitched as he opened his eyes to look at him. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but in the end he only caressed Yuzuru's cheek, his expression soft and gentle. 

Yuzuru smiled, feeling so incredibly happy and warm he felt like his chest could explode with everything he was feeling. He leaned into peck Javi on the lips before reaching for a box of wipes he spotted on a bedside table, taking care of the mess before basically wrapping himself around Javi, putting his head on his shoulder and sighing contentedly, his limbs turning heavy.

“Are you okay?” Javi murmured, his breath fanning over Yuzuru’s temple and Yuzuru chuckled.

“I’m feeling amazing.” he said, resting his hand over Javi’s heart “You?”

A few heartbeats, a deep breath.

“I’m okay.” Javi said quietly and Yuzuru’s heart stuttered.

“You will tell me about it, one day.” he said, “And I will wait, just like you are waiting for me.”

Javi inhaled sharply, his muscles tensing, and Yuzuru felt a quiet, choked out sob, and that made him raise his head, alarmed.

“Javi?” he asked, seeing tears shining in Javi’s eyes “Hey, what’s going on?” he asked, cupping Javi’s cheek and feeling his hot skin “What’s hap-”

“I love you.” Javi said, his voice trembling, and Yuzuru gaped. Javi was looking at him with so many emotions Yuzuru felt dizzy, but at the same time there was something incredibly warm rising in his chest, spreading to every cell of his body. 

“I’m sorry.” Javi said, blinking rapidly as if trying to stop himself from crying “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, I-”

“Javi.” Yuzuru breathed out, leaning closer and making sure Javi was looking him in the eyes, feeling sure and happy. Javi had been so strong that whole time, taking care of Yuzuru despite how hard it must have been for him. He was trying his best and now Yuzuru could see how lost he was, trying to do what was right and trying to find himself in that situation. 

In that moment, Yuzuru had to be strong for them both.

“I think-” he whispered, moving even closer and letting their lips brush in the lightest of touches “- I think you made me fall in love with you again.”

Javi’s lips were a little bit wet and a little bit salty when Yuzuru kissed him, but his hand on Yuzuru’s nape was warm and familiar. 

They had all the time to figure everything out. 

 

 

Yuzuru woke up to a faint feeling of Javi's lips brushing against his cheek and he smiled, not opening his eyes. He heard Javi's muffled footsteps and then distant sound of bathroom door and running water, and that made him open his eyes. Yuzuru smiled to himself, stretching lazily and enjoying the feeling of pleasure lingering deep in his muscles. 

He was feeling good and relaxed, and a little bit playful. 

He decided to follow that feeling. 

"Hey." he grinned two minutes later, stepping into the shower and chuckling at Javi's stunned expression "I thought we should save water. We have bills to pay and I still didn't come back to work." he said, smiling cheekily and wrapping his arms around Javi's neck "What do you say." 

Javi blinked at him, but Yuzuru didn't see any sign of the previous uncertainty, and his heart skipped with relief. 

Javi smiled then, placing his hands on Yuzuru's waist and leaning to kiss his jaw, cheek, before nuzzling against his temple. 

"When I come back tonight, I will have something to tell you."

Yuzuru pulled back a little, looking at Javi intently. 

"You don't have to, if-" 

"I want to." Javi murmured, pressing a chaste kiss to Yuzuru's lips. 

They spent some quality time in the shower until Javi realized he would be very probably late for work and had to dress himself up in a record time. 

"You didn't eat breakfast!" Yuzuru scolded him, following Javi to the door and watching him put his shoes on. 

"I will have cof-" 

"Coffee is not breakfast!" Yuzuru insisted and Javi laughed, the sound making Yuzuru feel warm. 

"Fine, fine-" 

"And take a beanie!" 

Javi laughed again, doing as Yuzuru said. 

"Now perfect." Yuzuru said and Javi looked at him with almost unbearable softness. 

"I love you." 

Yuzuru let out a shaky breath, his heart pounding. 

"I love you too." 

Javi's smile was blinding and it seemed like he wanted to say something more, but in the end, he just shook his head, giving Yuzuru one more fond glance before leaving. 

Yuzuru giggled to himself, feeling light and bubbly. 

Also, he was hungry. 

Humming quietly to himself, he put the water on and opened the fridge to check what was inside. 

He grimaced when he saw bell pepper, Javi was claiming that Yuzuru liked it, but the truth was that Yuzuru was only pretending because-

Yuzuru gasped loudly, dropping a pack of cheese to the floor, his hands coming to cover his mouth. 

His body was shaking as he slid down to the floor, his head spinning, temples pulsing with pain. 

"Oh no." he whispered to himself as everything shifted into place "Oh no." 

Some things they couldn't change. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few months ago I asked K1mHeechu1 what should I write for her as a gift and well, here we are. Praise her brilliant mind and amazing beta skills <3

Javi could feel his anxiety increasing with every step bringing him closer home. He inhaled deeply through his nose, cold air tingling, and he shook his head a little. He knew what had to be done, and he regretted not doing it earlier. Because thinking about the situation he was in now, he wanted to both laugh hysterically and yell at himself.

He was such an idiot.

Moreover, he was an exhausted idiot with a terrible headache. Work had been demanding, and he was dead on his feet, but the determination to make things right was burning inside him, and he would do that, no matter what.

He had his beanie, but of course he had forgotten gloves, so it took him a moment of fumbling with the keys to open the door, and when he finally entered the apartment, he was greeted by unusual silence and darkness. Javi felt a sting of anxiety at that, a million of dreadful scenarios going through his head.

“Yuzu?” ha called, kicking his shoes off and flicking the light on “Are you here?”

He took his jacket off and suddenly he heard some shuffling coming from the living room, and his shoulders dropped with relief.

“Hey, why are you sitting here in darkness? Everything okay?”

He flicked that light on too, and then was finally able to see Yuzuru, who was sitting in an armchair and staring at Javi with blank expression. He looked pale, and quite not right, and Javi felt concern creeping into his mind again.

“Are you-”

“Shut up.” Yuzuru said quietly and Javi gaped, watching with wide eyes as Yuzuru stood up, his expression not blank anymore, eyes blaring “Don’t talk to me.”

Javi’s heart stuttered as he took in Yuzuru’s face, his gaze both scorching hot and freezing cold, and Javi knew what it meant, and he couldn’t breathe.

“Yuzu-”

“Shut the fuck up.” Yuzu hissed and then inhaled deeply, shakingly “How could you? What the fuck were you thinking?”

Javi opened his mouth, wanting to explain, but there was no way he could make it better now, he could only stand there and face the consequences of his actions. Yuzuru was trembling now, and all Javi wanted to do was to hug him and cry, but he didn’t, knowing that he had to give Yuzuru his space now.

“What were you thinking, Javi?” Yuzuru asked, quiet, his eyes full of despair.

“I didn’t- I wasn’t-” Javi stuttered hopelessly “It was a joke, you know it, I-”

“Oh, I know it!” Yuzuru exclaimed, his expression turning angry again “What I want to know is why the fuck did you keep on playing with me like that, how… how could you?”

Javi felt like his world was collapsing, walls closing around him and floor cracking, and he knew that that was it, the moment he had been dreading but also somehow looking forward to, because maybe then he would get rid of that terrible feeling in his chest and voice in his head telling him how garbage of a man he was.

Still, it hurt more than anything he had ever experienced.

“Yuzu, I never wanted to hurt you, I-” Javi tried desperately and Yuzuru laughed hysterically, the sound freezing blood in Javi’s veins.

“I want to believe you. Or more, I do believe you, but it doesn’t change a fact that you- you let me kill myself for over two months, thinking that we were together. We-” his voice rose and Javi felt physical hurt at his tone, high and betrayed "How could you, Javi? You...we never-" he inhaled shakingly and Javi's heart shattered to pieces.

All he wanted to do was to come closer, take Yuzuru's hand in his and beg for forgiveness. He stopped himself from moving, though, because he had hurt Yuzuru hard enough and he had no right to even attempt to touch him.

"I'm so sorry." he pushed the words through his throat "I'm so sorry and I wanted to tell you, so bad, but I-"

"But you what? You what, Javi?" Yuzuru asked bitterly "You though it was fun? You-"

"When I realized you didn't get our joke and believed me, I freaked out." Javi said, a bit frantically, desperately wanting to explain "And I wanted to make it right, but you kind of followed it so easily, and then I just couldn’t find enough courage-"

"Shut up." Yuzuru said, breathing raggedly "It- it was all a lie, and you lied to me, about everything-"

"Not about everything." Javi said, his voice quiet and soft "I do love you, Yuzu."

Yuzuru stared at him, wide- eyed, expression strong but vulnerable at the same time, and for the briefest of moments Javi hoped that maybe it would all be okay, somehow-

But then Yuzuru shook his head and took a step back, leaning to grab a bag that was standing on the floor next to the armchair, and when he looked into Javi's face again, his eyes were dark and stone cold.

"I'm done." he said, his voice quiet and steady "I came here from Japan because I was feeling good in here, because I was feeling safe. You were making me feel safe, Javi, you were the most important person in my life, but you ruined it. And I'm done. With this life, and with you."

And without another word, and without any other glance in Javi's direction, Yuzuru passed him by and walked out of the apartment, the door shutting behind him loudly, and it almost didn't feel real.

But it was real, and so was the numb pain pulsing inside Javi's chest, reminding him of something he had just probably lost forever.

 

* * *

 

Javi inhaled deeply, nicotine filling his lungs once again, and he closed his eyes, leaning against the railing of the balcony. His face was cold, fingers turning numb from freezing air of the late night.

He didn't care, at all.

He still remembered the day Yuzuru had come to Toronto for a short visit, looking tired and not smiling as much as usual. They talked during that visit, more than ever before, and a few weeks later Yuzuru was moving in, bright- eyed and looking happy again.

It had been good, and they were good. They learned how to be each other's friends, after years of balancing on that thin of rivalry and training together. It was kind of amazing, watching Yuzuru grow, finding his true independence and navigating through his life after retirement, and Javi was always there to help him, because that was who they were. Best friends.

And nothing more.

Javi opened his eyes, crushing the cigarette in a jar and immediately lighting up another one. Yuzuru hated when he was smoking, so Javi had hidden that box until he would feel stressed enough to have one or two, but now it felt like he had gone through half of the pack already.

He didn't care about that either.

They had used to joke about that, being boyfriends. Everyone seemed to think so anyway, but were too polite to ask, and they never said anything specific. They were a team, they were close, and Javi had never really wondered if he wanted something more.

But then, he did.

Javi couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it had happened, maybe in the hospital, maybe a little bit later. It didn't matter now, though, because Javi had done everything wrong, and he hated himself for being so damn scared and so fucking unfair. He knew that his explanation was so weak, and that it wasn't even barely enough. It was true, what the doctor had said, that shock and mixed information would be very bad for Yuzuru, but it was no excuse. It was no excuse and Javi knew it so well.

His fingers were shaking as he took out the last cigarette, and he looked at the city spreading in front of him. It was flickering with lights and sparkling in the crisp air, and Javi had never felt more alone.

But that time, he deserved it.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru walked into the club with his jaw clenched and strong will to look as calm as possible. He remembered Javi's schedule and he should be already there, but Yuzuru knew that he would be able to avoid him.

Yuzuru felt a spike of anger running through his whole body and he clenched his teeth.

He had spent the night in a very nice hotel, in a room with a very comfortable bed, but he got no sleep at all, too busy pacing around the room and obsessing over everything once again.

It hurt so much, what Javi had done, and Yuzuru was shaking with anger and betrayal every time he thought about it. He couldn't believe, years of friendship, destroyed just like that.

But the thing was, a part of him understood. He remembered Javi's lost expression, anxiety in his gaze and his careful hands. He could recall how Javi had been trying to keep his distance and Yuzuru knew, he really knew that Javi didn't want to hurt him. Because Javi was good and kind, and he would never hurt Yuzuru on purpose.

Still, Yuzuru didn't think he could forgive him, even though he-

Yuzuru shook his head, deciding firmly not to think about that. It only hurt more, then.

He managed not to bump into Javi for the first two hours and he was glad, but when he was having a break in between classes, Brian approached him with a worried expression.

"Hey Yuzu, is Javi sick?"

Yuzuru blinked rapidly, frantically trying to come up with something to say, but Brian knew him so well Yuzuru knew he had to give him at least a half truth.

"We had an argument and I didn't sleep at home. So, I don't know. " he said and Brian gaped, eyes going wide and cheeks turning pink.

"Oh. Oh, I see." he stammered awkwardly "Well, uh, maybe he- well, it doesn't matter. Are you okay, Yuzu? Is it serious, can I help you somehow?"

"It's okay." Yuzuru gave him his best smile "I'm sorry, I need to go back to class."

He felt a little bit bad for not telling anyone that he got his memories back, but he didn't think he could handle all the attention and questions it would bring. He needed to think, and he needed calm, and he had to figure out what to do with Javi and his stupid feelings.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru dropped on his hotel bed with a deep sigh. The day had been tiring, since he was sleep- deprived and emotionally exhausted. He looked around the room, wincing a little; it was very nice and spacious, but Yuzuru knew he couldn't spend the rest of his days there. Sooner or later he would have to go back to the apartment, even if only to collect his things and probably take Hoshi.

Something clicked inside his chest, painfully, when he thought about that. Moving out from the place he had spent a few great years in. But now, he didn't think there was a possibility he could come back there and live how he had used to. He wasn't even sure if he could look at Javi, at that point.

Yuzuru sighed again, rubbing his temple.

Who was he kidding?

There was a part of him that wanted to hate Javi, but in the end, he couldn't. Because yes, Javi had been an idiot, and wrong, and Yuzuru was so angry at him he couldn't breathe, but at the same time, he couldn't hate him.

Maybe Yuzuru couldn't forgive him, but he couldn't just stop caring.

His heart stuttered as he thought about Javi's words, his breathing hitching.

_I do love you._

Yuzuru closed his eyes, shaking his head. He couldn't think about it, because that was only make him think about his own feelings for Javi, because those had changed too, developed, turned into something so much deeper than before.

It didn't matter anymore. Yuzuru had other things to worry about, like maybe finally letting some people know that his memory was back. He felt guilty for not telling his family and Brian at least, but that would lead to questions about him and Javi, and Yuzuru didn't want it.

He flopped on his back and closed his eyes, hoping that maybe the next day would be a little bit brighter.

 

* * *

 

The next day at the club Yuzuru was trying to focus on work and not let his mind wander; but when he saw Brian approaching him with a frown on his face, he couldn't help but feel a little bit anxious.

"Look, Yuzu, I get that you and Javi have some disagreement." Brian started "But I'm starting to worry about him. He hasn't come today either, and he's not picking up his phone. I think he might be sick, since we have some flu epidemy going around, but I just want to know if he's okay and how long he wouldn't be able to come."

Yuzuru blinked slowly, feeling something cold spreading inside his stomach. Javi was treating his job seriously and he wouldn't act like that, not letting anyone know that he wasn't able to make it.

Yuzuru bit his bottom lip, thinking. He didn't really want to face Javi, but at the same time he did want to see him, his heart full of longing despite of everything what had happened.

"Yuzu?"

Yuzuru flinched, startled, realizing that he drifted away for a moment and Brian was now staring at him, his frown even deeper than before.

"I'll check up on him." Yuzuru said and Brian smiled, a little bit relieved.

"Thank you, really. And I hope that whatever happened between you guys, you can work it out."

"Yeah." Yuzuru said, making his best attempt to smile back "For sure."

 

 

Yuzuru stepped into an elevator and took his backpack off, searching it through for the keys. His stomach was tied into a tight knot and he had to take a few calming breaths; he was stressed, and there were still sparks of anger burning inside his chest. He had thought it through and was firmly planning to just check what was going on and then leave, he wasn't ready to have a serious conversation. He needed time, and space, and he was actually happy that Javi was giving him that, not calling or texting him. 

He thought about knocking, but in the end, he just used his keys, swallowing nervously before opening the door and entering the apartment. 

The light was off and Yuzuru narrowed his eyes, reaching for a switch. Maybe Javi was out? Before he could think about it more, he was greeted by Hoshi’s loud meowing, the kitten running to him and letting out high pitched sound.

“Hey there, little one, I missed you.” Yuzuru muttered, crouching to pet the cat “What's going on?"

Hoshi just meowed even louder and ran away, and Yuzuru scrunched his nose in confusion. 

"Javi, you're here?" he asked loudly and was pretty sure he heard some muffled sound coming from the kitchen and he took a deep breath, walking there "I just wanted to check why didn't you come to work and take some thi-" 

His voice died in his throat when he walked into the kitchen and turned the light on. Javi was half lying on the floor, leaning against the fridge, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders loosely. His eyes were closed, breathing loud and wheezing, and there was Effie, nudging his hand and making worried noises. 

"Javi?" Yuzuru made his way to him, kneeling down and noticing an unhealthy blush on his cheeks "Hey, Javi, what's going on?" 

Javi opened his eyes slowly and Yuzuru was alarmed by how blurry his gaze was. Now he was also noticing that Javi's lips were chapped and he was faintly smelling of cigarettes. 

"Javi, talk to me." Yuzuru touched Javi's hand and realized that his skin was cold, on the contrary to his flushed cheeks that were suggesting fever. 

"Yuzu." Javi said raspily, and it was clear that he had difficulties with talking, air leaving his mouth with ugly wheezes “I-”

“Shh, don’t talk.” Yuzuru ordered, feeling panic spreading inside his veins as he took the situation in “Can you stand up?”

Javi opened his mouth but the only sound that left it was an ugly, wet cough that made Yuzuru flinch, and he knew that he didn’t have many options. 

“Okay.” he murmured, taking his phone out of his pocket and dialling the emergency number, pressing one hand to Javi’s forehead and wincing at how hot his skin was. He quickly told the dispatcher what was going on and when she said the ambulance was on the way he felt a little bit relieved. Only a little bit, though, because Javi was still looking terrible and Yuzuru felt scared and anxious. and his own chest started hurting a little bit too because of all those emotions coiling up and colliding inside him. 

“Hey, open your eyes.” he said quietly and Javi did what he asked, his gaze dark and blurry, and there was almost a smile on his lips as he looked at Yuzuru, his chest heaving in stuttering breath.

“I’m sorry.” he wheezed, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the fridge “I’m so sorry.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta is doing an amazing job, and I really can't wait to have this fic fully posted so here we go, I hope you don't mind the speed :p Hope you enjoy and have a great Wednesday, Skate Canada is almost here!

Yuzuru looked at his phone again but there were no new messages or missed calls. He thought about trying to reach Brian again, or someone else, but in the end he didn't. A part of him didn't want to be alone, but at the same time he didn't know if he could handle talking with anyone about that whole situation just yet. 

And Yuzuru was scared. 

It wasn't like he was over everything what had happened between them. But it wasn’t changing the fact that Yuzuru cared for Javi, so much, and that he was concerned about him. They hadn’t been able to talk, and the paramedics didn’t calm his mind either. Yuzuru wasn’t sure how long he was sitting there, in a waiting room, his insides twisting with stress and palms sweating. He looked up, searching for a nice nurse he had talked with before, and he saw her talking with some other woman, dressed like a doctor and looking at him. The doctor nodded, smiling at the nurse and then walking towards Yuzuru, who stood up before she approached him.

“Hello, I’m doctor Svendsen. You’re the one who came in with Javier Fernandez, right? You’re family?”

“I’m his boyfriend. We live together.” Yuzuru chose to say, because he knew that any other answer could prevent him from getting any information. 

“I see.” she hummed “Well I wish you brought him earlier, he must have felt bad for the last few days.”

“I… I wasn’t at home.” Yuzuru stuttered, his cheeks heating up a bit, and doctor Svendsen nodded, her expression polite and unchanged.

“I see. So, your boyfriend was diagnosed with severe pneumonia. He’s also dehydrated and has really low blood pressure, but we’ve everything under control. Usually we don't treat pneumonia at the hospital, but we want to keep him for a few days."

"But...he will be okay?" Yuzuru asked, his tongue feeling stiff. 

"We for sure hope there won't be any complications." she gave him a tight smile "If you want you can see him, but only for a few minutes, he's asleep now." 

"Right. Yes, thank you." Yuzuru stammered and she explained him how to get to Javi's room before excusing herself. 

Javi was seeming so much smaller and thinner like that, lying in the hospital bed under the white sheets. There was some machine next to him, making quiet sounds, so different than Javi's heavy, wheezing breathing. 

Yuzuru approached him slowly, his feet feeling heavy, like made from lead. He hesitated for a second before slowly reaching out and touching Javi's forehead. His skin wasn't as hot as before and Yuzuru felt a pang of relief. 

“Excuse me, what are you doing here?”

Yuzuru flinched and turned around, seeing a nurse standing by the door and looking at him with some amount of judgement.

“The visitation time is over.” she said, a bit cold, and Yuzuru felt something unpleasant forming inside his chest, but he didn’t have enough strength to argue. 

“Okay, I’ll be going.” he said, flashing her a tight smile before looking at Javi again, and his heart squeezed painfully “It’s going to be okay.” he whispered, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Javi’s forehead “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

He was moving on an autopilot all the way back to the apartment, and he spent most of the bus ride on googling pneumonia complications and he had to try hard not to have a freak out in public. He was feeling a bit out of his body when he walked into the apartment, immediately surrounded by the cats. Both Hoshi and Effie were meowing loudly, and they almost sounded worried. They got quiet when Yuzuru gave them food, though, and he slowly walked to the living room, sitting down on the sofa heavily. 

It felt surreal. 

He swallowed hard, looking around that small, cosy living room that was now pretty messy. Yuzuru bit his lower lip as his head was filled with all those memories, and it felt like two different timelines; one from before the accident, and one from where he hadn’t remembered. It was all clashing in his head, making a mess, and his chest felt a little bit tight, because it was so much, too much, and it was catching up to him so clearly, everything what had happened, and he was trying so hard not to get emotional and trying to look into what he was actually fleeting.

Fate was on his side, apparently, because the silence of the night was broken by a loud, cheerful melody that Yuzuru recognised as Javi’s ringtone. He flinched, wondering who the hell was calling at almost 1am, and he went on the quest to find the phone. It took him a moment to locate, squeezed in between a pillow and one of Javi’s hoodies. The mystery of the late hour was partially solved when Yuzuru glanced at the screen and saw Laura’s name. He hesitated for a moment, his lips going dry, and then he decided to answer the call.

He didn’t even have a chance to say anything, because Laura immediately busted into a streak of loud Spanish words that Yuzuru didn’t understand fully, but he got that she wasn’t too happy. 

“Laura, it’s me.” he said, basically cutting her off “Uhh, hi.”

There was a moment of stunned silence and then she cleared her throat, sighing quietly. 

“I’m sorry for this hour.” she said finally “But I woke up and saw that my idiot brother hasn’t answered any of my texts, and I just… acted out on my anger I guess.” she chuckled quietly “Well, I just wanted to check, so just yell at him from me, okay-”

“Javi’s in a hospital.” Yuzuru blurted out without thinking “He had pneumonia.”

“Wh- what?” Laura asked, her tone turning extremely worried “How- is he okay?”

“The doctor said he would be fine.” Yuzuru said, but his stomach clenched a little “Laura, did you know?”

“That he’s sick? No, you-”

“No.” Yuzuru muttered, feeling embarrassed and exhausted and puzzled “About me and Javi. That we-” he didn’t finish, but judging by Laura’s sharp inhale, she knew what he meant. 

“I knew that you weren’t together.” she said finally, her voice quiet “I knew that, even though I could tell that something-” she stopped herself abruptly, as if she was scared she was going to say too much, and Yuzuru gripped the phone tighter. 

“Do you know what he… did?”

Another moment of silence, and then another sigh.

“He told me during Christmas, a lot of eggnog and crying. Look, I know, this is bad, but he feels like shit about it. Now tell me, is he really okay? Because I can come if-”

“He’s going to be fine.” Yuzuru said; he wished he could talk with Laura more, but it was clear that she was really worried about Javi and there was no point in whining to her about what had happened “I will keep you updated.”

“Okay.” she breathed out “Okay, shit, I need to talk with our parents-” her voice trembled a little, but then she inhaled deeply, trying to calm herself down “Yuzu, I know that you feel.... betrayed, and I’m not trying to justify him, but he… he really…”

“I know, Laura.” Yuzuru sighed, feeling dull pain coiling in his skull and pressing against his eyes “I need to go now, but I promise to update you.”

“Thank you.” she said quietly, sounding as tired as Yuzuru was feeling “You… take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah. You too.”

He put the phone away and slowly walked to the bathroom; he knew he needed shower, and sleep, and then he would have to call Brian and his parents, and finally tell him that he remembered. He didn’t plan on telling them what had happened between him and Javi, the topic still too painful and confusing for him to speak about. 

He closed his eyes as the water started falling on his head and running down his body with hot streams, and for a few seconds he was able to pretend that everything was okay. But then it came to him, a memory of him and Javi in that exact place, laughing and kissing, just a few moments before everything came back to him. 

There had been so much softness in Javi’s expression then, and sadness in his eyes, and Yuzuru didn’t know what it was all about, back then. But he knew now, that it was about Javi feeling guilty and torn, and Yuzuru bit his lower lip hard, a sob raising in his throat. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the time right before the accident, the warm feeling coiling inside him at the thought about coming back home, to Javi. He remembered everything, that spark of excitement and hope, and-

Love.

Yuzuru felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, and he suddenly felt so weak he had to sit down, a loud sob finally leaving his mouth.

He wasn’t blaming Javi that they had had sex, because it was something they both wanted, and it clearly costed Javi a lot. And in the end, the most important thing was that Javi loved him too, he loved him so much, and Yuzuru wondered for how long he was feeling that way. He thought about himself, about his own feelings for Javi that had been developing for such a long time, but he had never acted on them. But somehow, during those weeks of amnesia, he had fallen in love with Javi, as if it was the easiest thing in the world, and now Yuzuru had no idea how to untangle the mess they were both in.

It was funny and ridiculous and painful and terrible, and Yuzuru had never expected that love would feel like that. 

He didn’t know how long he was sitting like that, trying to breathe and wondering which drops were tears and which were water. But then he got up, turned the water off, and started thinking about everything he had to do. It hurt, to think about it, but a simple task of organizing his schedule made him a little bit calmer. 

He walked to his bedroom and dropped on the bed, turning on his back and looking at the dark ceiling. There was a suffocating sensation in his chest, squeezing his lungs and heart, and he wished he could be in Javi’s bed, hide in his embrace and pretend that everything was alright, that everything was going to be fine.

 

* * *

 

“Good morning.” Yuzuru smiled at the lady sitting at the reception, tightening a grip around a handle of a small bag he was holding “I wanted to ask if I could visit my… my boyfriend, Javier Fernandez?”

“Let me check what his doctor noted,” she smiled back, looking through some papers “Okay, doctor Svendsen left an annotation that only one visitor is allowed, and- are you healthy?”

“Yes, completely.” 

“Great then.” she nodded “Room 145. Are you feeling okay, sweetie?”

“Yes, just a bit tired. It’s... hard time.”

“Don’t worry, your boyfriend is in good hands.”

“Thank you.” he sent her one more weak smile and walked to find Javi’s room.

To be honest, he was exhausted. He had slept very poorly, so and when he got up it was 6am and he spent next half an hour on skyping with his family. There were a lot of tears and questions and exclamations, and by the end of it Yuzuru was close to crying. He mentioned that Javi was sick but didn’t say anything else. Then he messaged Brian, letting him know about the situation and asking for a day off. And now he was here, in the hospital, maybe three minutes away from seeing Javi, and his stomach dropped. 

He still had no idea what he was going to do. 

His heart skipped a beat when he quietly entered the room and saw Javi, who was sitting on the bed, leaning against the pillows, eyes closed and brow furrowed, as if he was thinking about something deeply. He looked weak and thin, and Yuzuru had to force himself to inhale deeply before clearing his throat. Javi’s eyes snapped open and he gasped, his face crumpling.

No one said anything for a minute, and they just kept on looking at each other, and Yuzuru had a weird feeling that they both were going to cry. 

“Hi.” Yuzuru said finally, stepping inside slowly “How are you feeling?” 

Javi blinked and swallowed visibly before speaking. 

“Hi. I’m good.” 

His voice was hoarse, and he sounded like there was something stuck in his throat. 

“You don’t sound good. And you didn’t look good yesterday.” Yuzuru said without thinking, memories of the last night flashing in his head, and Javi blinked rapidly, as if Yuzuru just hit him. 

Javi opened his mouth, but then closed them, inhaling shakily, and Yuzuru felt bad. He moved closer, standing next to the bed awkwardly and putting the small bag next to Javi. 

“I brought you some…” he cleared his throat, taking a small step back “Clean t-shirt, sweatpants and a hoodie, toothbrush, stuff like that.”

“I- thank you.” Javi stammered, coughing a little, the sound wet and ugly, and his expression twisted with pain “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I-”

“Don’t talk.” Yuzuru sighed, looking around and spotting a chair nearby. He grabbed it and brought it closer, sitting down and taking another calming breath “You can’t do that. You need to take care of yourself-”

“You don’t have to be here.” Javi blurted out, his voice strained, eyes closing “I know that you don’t want- it’s okay, I’m just so sor-” his words drowned in another coughing fit, and Yuzuru felt like his heart was breaking.

“Don’t.” he said and Javi looked at him, his eyelashes a bit wet “Just- please don’t.”

Javi looked miserable, sad and defeated, with dark circles under his eyes and chapped lips, and Yuzuru had no idea what to do, so he just let his body react on its own. 

He reached out with one hand and caressed Javi’s cheek, feeling his hot, dry skin, the simple touch making his fingertips tingle.

“I’m so angry at you.” he whispered and Javi sniffled quietly “And I have no idea what to do, and what I feel, and if I want to-” he cut himself off abruptly and then moved away, his hand leaving Javi’s cheek and curling on the sheets “Now you need to get better, okay?”

The words hung in the air between them, and Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself from looking into Javi’s eyes, big and shining. 

“Don’t hate me.” Javi said quietly, his expression blank but voice trembling “Don’t forgive me, but please, don’t hate me.”

It was too much, suddenly, and Yuzuru felt like he was about to scream or cry, or both, and he didn’t want to allow that.

“I will get you something to drink.” he said, standing up quickly “You need to stay hydrated.” 

He left the room quickly, not looking at Javi, but he didn’t go much further immediately. Instead, he exhaled deeply and leaned his forehead against a cool wall, closing his eyes for a moment and trying not to think, just for a second. 


	11. Chapter 11

Yuzuru paced to one end of the corridor and then turned around, slowly resuming his way back. Javi was currently having the last talk with his doctor, and then he would come back home with Yuzuru. It had been three days since Javi was brought in here, and he was feeling a bit better- at least good enough to leave the hospital. Doctor Svendsen had told Yuzuru to look out for Javi and make sure he would be resting a lot, and now Yuzuru was marching along the corridor, creating a plan of what he was going to do. Work wasn't a problem, as Brian had told him to take all the time he needed, but Yuzuru was mostly worrying about Javi and his health, and how would they be able to function with each other now.

The past days had been hard; Javi was feeling really unwell, dizzy and coughing, and Yuzuru wasn't sure if his presence was making Javi feel any better. It was so clear that Javi was filled with guilt, and that he had no idea how to act in Yuzuru's presence without constant apologizing. And to be honest, Yuzuru didn't want to hear that. He wanted Javi to feel better, so they could maybe slowly start figuring everything out. He still wasn't sure what was going to happen, and what he exactly wanted, but he knew they couldn't be stuck in that limbo.

"Ah, hello!"

Yuzuru raised his head rapidly and saw Javi's doctor smiling at him.

"Hello." he smiled back awkwardly "Is, um, everything okay?"

"Yes, absolutely. I gave your partner a prescription so please, make sure he takes his medication and drinks a lot of liquids."

"Of course. Thank you, doctor." Yuzuru said honestly and she smiled at him shortly before nodding and saying her goodbyes.

Yuzuru took a deep breath and slowly walked into Javi's room, putting on his best smile. Javi was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his own feet and seeming deep in his thoughts. He didn't notice Yuzuru right away, giving him a chance to get a good look at Javi; he looked pale and thin, as if he had lost some weight. His expression was puzzled, and a bit sad, and Yuzuru's throat clenched a little.

"Hey." he said quietly and Javi flinched, looking up, his eyes wide.

"Hi." he muttered, biting on his bottom lip for a second "I, uh-"

"I met your doctor, she said you are good to go." Yuzuru smiled and Javi nodded slowly.

"Yeah."

"Great. Then let's go, I will take your bag-"

"No, no, it's okay." Javi stammered, standing up and grabbing his bag, giving Yuzuru a tight smile. Yuzuru suppressed a sigh, deciding not to argue about that; they walked in silence until they reached the waiting room and Yuzuru stopped suddenly, struck by an idea.

"There's a pharmacy in here, so I can go and grab your meds, you can wait here. There is going to be a line for sure."

"Yeah, uhh, sure, I will-" Javi searched his pocket and fished his wallet "Um, so here is the prescription, and... yeah, I have some money, so you can just-"

"Okay." Yuzuru smiled reassuringly "I will be back soon."

Javi just nodded and slumped on the nearest chair, and Yuzuru went to buy the medicine. There was indeed a line, but before he could even feel annoyed about it, he felt a light touch on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a familiar face.

"Yuzuru, hello!" doctor Novak smiled broadly "I didn't think I'd meet you here, how are you feeling?"

"I'm good, just picking some meds, thank you." Yuzuru smiled and then cleared his throat "Actually, doctor... I got my memories back."

"That's wonderful!" doctor Novak smiled "I'm glad, I bet life must be so much easier for you now."

"Yeah." Yuzuru flinched, but then decided to ask on an impulse "Doctor, I need to ask... did you know that-" he cut himself off, feeling awkward, but the other man's expression turned compassionate.

"I was aware of your... private situation. But it wasn't my place to make a comment, I only asked your... friend not to cause any shocks, especially during the first days. But let me tell you, if I may... I think he did everything with an intention to help you."

"I know." Yuzuru muttered, and a polite cough alarmed him that it was his turn, and he smiled at the older man "Thank you so much. It was nice to see you, doctor."

"You too, Yuzuru. I hope everything goes well."

When Yuzuru got back to the waiting room, Javi was half asleep on one of the chairs, so Yuzuru decided that there was no point in killing themselves in public transport, so called an uber, and half an hour later they were walking into their apartment. They were immediately surrounded by their cats, meowing loudly and clearly happy to have them both home.

"There, there." Javi muttered and for the first time in a few days Yuzuru saw his honest smile, and his stomach churned a little.

"Are you hungry? You should eat something." he said and Javi glanced at him briefly before looking down again and shaking his head.

It hurt, how Javi couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore, how they weren't able to talk normally, and it hurt to watch Javi like that, despite everything what had happened.

"Okay, maybe later." Yuzuru said "But I'll make you some tea, okay?"

"Okay." Javi said quietly "I will-" he made a vague gesture in a direction of the living room and Yuzuru nodded, smiling slightly.

"I'll be right back."

He grabbed Javi's favourite cup, a pretty big one, and he set the kettle on, leaning against the counter and sighing quietly. It was overwhelming, still, feelings and memories clashing inside him, and he winced, rubbing his temple. He was realizing that there was no point in trying to plan anything. He had to take it slow, goal after goal and day after day, and maybe time was everything they needed.

When he walked into the living room five minutes later, Javi was already asleep on the sofa, snoring quietly, his breathing still heavier than normally. Hoshi and Effie were both curled by his side, staying close, and that sight was so familiar Yuzuru's heart skipped a beat. He slowly made his way closer and put the cup on the coffee table before crouching on the floor, so he could have a good look at Javi's face.

Javi looked so much calmer now, but his cheeks were still pale and there were some tired lines around his eyes; his lips were parted a little, air coming in and out in soft wheezes, and something clicked inside of Yuzuru, as if some small piece just shifted into the right place. He reached out carefully and touched Javi's hair softly, his throat feeling raw and dry like a sandpaper, his heartbeat picking up a little.

He would give anything for him to be okay.

Was it how Javi had been feeling before?

Yuzuru brushed his thumb over Javi's forehead and Javi gasped quietly, his eyelids fluttering.

"Uhm." he mumbled, blinking slowly, and Yuzuru smiled at him softly.

"Brought you something to drink." he said, and it turned out even more quiet and gentle that he had intended "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. Just tired." Javi muttered, his eyes wide open now and looking into Yuzuru's. He didn't make any attempt to move, and it was the first time in a few days when he didn't shy away from the physical contact, and Yuzuru's heart jumped a little at that. He slowly moved his hand lower, caressing Javi's cheek and feeling some warm sensation running through his arm and straight to his chest. He wasn't sure what was happening, caught up in the moment, in the depth of Javi's eyes and warmth of his skin, and he didn't even know what he was doing until Javi inhaled sharply and Yuzuru realized that at some point he leaned in so close their faces were just inches away.

Yuzuru swallowed hard and moved away a little, exhaling slowly and trying to calm his hammering heart down. He reached for the cup he had left on the table, and he almost took a sip himself, his throat and lips almost painfully dry.

"Here." he said, grabbing the cup and handing it to Javi, who slowly sat up and took it hesitantly.

"Thank you." Javi muttered quietly, taking the cup carefully and staring down at it "Yuzu, you don't- you don't have to do all of that. I know I don't-" he flinched, looking at Yuzuru briefly before averting his gaze again "I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me." he stammered finally and Yuzuru sighed deeply, something heavy settling next to his heart, and he just felt tired, and so incredibly sad.

Javi looked exhausted too, and miserable, and Yuzuru was done with stalling, a bit.

"Javi, look at me."

Javi bit on his bottom lip and blinked but kept on staring at the cup he was holding. Yuzuru was in a bit of an uncomfortable position, basically kneeling on the floor, so he stood up. The sudden movement made Javi look up for a second, and Yuzuru used to the moment and took Javi's face in his hands, not letting him look away.

"Javi." he said slowly "Don't do this."

Javi's face crumpled, and he swallowed visibly, a shadow of anxiety in his eyes, and Yuzuru's heart stuttered.

"I'm a terrible person." Javi said quietly and Yuzuru shook his head. 

"Terrible is the last word to describe you." he said softly, but it was clear Javi didn't believe him, so he decided to try his best and cut the topic off "Go and shower now, it will warm you up. I will prepare something to eat, you can't take your meds on empty stomach." 

Javi looked at him for a moment before nodding slowly, and for a second Yuzuru thought he was going to smile. But that didn't happen, and Javi only stood up heavily, followed by Effie's offended purring, and he walked away, leaving Yuzuru with a feeling like he was going to burst into tears. 

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru was on the edge. 

His fingers were shaking a bit as he turned the water on, but for a moment he couldn't even register if the temperature was okay or not. His body was feeling numb and his mind was exhausted, and he had no idea what to do. 

Javi had left the hospital over a week earlier, and he was feeling pretty good, from what Yuzuru could tell. He was still a bit weak, but that ugly cough was basically gone, and Yuzuru couldn't be happier about that. But that was probably the only thing that was making Yuzuru happy, because beside that, everything was wrong. 

Javi was spending most of the time closed in his room, as if he wanted to hide from Yuzuru, not bother him. And all Yuzuru wanted to do was to try and solve that damn situation, but every time he saw Javi's miserable expression, words were dying in his throat. 

He wanted things to be different; he wanted everything to go back to how it had used to be, when they were just best friends living together, with all those unnamed feelings simmering just under the surface. But he also wanted to go back to that time when him and Javi had been kissing in the kitchen, and that one time they made love, Yuzuru’s heart so filled with affection it was almost unbearable. And now Javi was barely able to look him in the eyes, sad and miserable, and so guilty, and Yuzuru was so, so tired. 

He cleaned himself with mechanical movements before stepping out of the shower and changing into his sleeping clothes. He glanced into the mirror and winced at how bad he looked, dark shadows under his eyes, tired lines around his lips. He hadn’t slept well in ages, it felt like, spending most of his nights restless, sometimes hearing Javi’s muffled cough coming from his room, and it hurt, it hurt that he was too anxious to go and check on him. 

Yuzuru froze, looking into his own eyes. How long was he supposed to keep on going like that? And what, could he really keep on functioning that way, ignoring his own feelings?

He couldn’t let that happen. He was done. 

Javi didn’t move when Yuzuru walked into his room quietly, his silhouette still under a blanket. Yuzuru’s heart fluttered a bit when he came closer and heard Javi’s deep, regular breathing, and when his eyes got used to the dim light of the room, he could also see his face, so relaxed and calm. Slowly, careful not to startle Javi, Yuzuru got in the bed next to him, only inches separating their bodies; he turned his head to look at Javi, eyes tracing his features, line of his cheek, a tad too long hair, faint stubble on his chin. 

Yuzuru didn’t know how long he stayed like that, just watching Javi and not really thinking, letting emotions flew through his entire body, when suddenly Javi sighed softly, turning to his side and then opening his eyes a little. He blinked a few times before his expression changed and he gasped, eyes going wide. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.” Yuzuru said before Javi could say anything “Hope you don’t mind I’m here.”

Javi opened his mouth, but didn’t say anything; it was a good sign that he didn’t move away either, and that made him feel a bit bolder, so he moved closer. It felt lighter, and a bit easier, like maybe everything could be solved.

“You didn’t.” Javi muttered, swallowing visibly “What, uh… why are you here?”

Yuzuru couldn’t see perfectly in the dim light filling the room, but he was almost sure that in Javi’s eyes was something that looked almost like hope, and his heart stuttered, and he knew that it was now or never. 

“I miss you. And I want you back.” Yuzuru said, reaching to take one of Javi’s hands and squeezing it, gently but surely “I forgive you, Javi. And now I need you to forgive yourself too, because I need you.” his voice was now a whisper, low and a bit pleading “Please. I need you.”

Javi just looked at him, eyes big and dark, and then he inhaled sharply, as if he was gathering some courage.

“Why?” he asked, so quietly Yuzuru more read that word from how Javi’s lips moved, and all words died in his throat, because it was so much, too much, and he couldn’t speak anymore.

With trembling fingers, he reached out to touch Javi’s face, and then, painfully slow, he leaned closer, giving him time to pull back if he wanted to, but Javi only kept on looking at him with that vulnerable, open expression, not moving. 

And finally, after the whole eternity, their lips touched, and it felt like coming home. It was warm and gentle, and so familiar Yuzuru felt a bit like crying, because he had missed it so much, being close to Javi, sharing intimacy. 

Yuzuru didn’t know how long they spent like that, lips brushing timidly, and then Javi sighed quietly, and Yuzuru pulled back a little to look at his face. And he was relieved, to see that Javi was smiling, small and shy but honest, and without guilt lingering deep in his eyes. He slowly reached out to touch Yuzuru’s temple, touch gentle and expression thoughtful, and then slid his hand down, taking Yuzuru’s palm and linking their fingers together. 

“Tell me it’s going to be okay.” Javi asked quietly, and Yuzuru squeezed is hand, leaning closer to bring their foreheads together, breathing in the same air.

“It’s going to be okay.”

Javi breathed out softly, his eyelids fluttering as he moved closer, and Yuzuru truly believed that yes- they were going to be okay.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was supposed to be the last chapter, but I thought it would be proper to add a short epilogue, coming soon! Hope you enjoy!

When Javi woke up for the first time, the room was filled with dim, grey light of an early morning. He blinked a few times and then closed his eyes again, but then his other senses started catching up, and he realized that there was something warm and solid pressed against his back, and a steady arm wrapped around his waist. He swallowed hard, letting it soak in, the realization what had happened, and when him and Yuzuru were now. His breathing hitched and heartbeat quickened, and Yuzuru must have sensed that, because he hummed quietly, nuzzling against Javi’s nape. He whispered something in hushed, raspy Japanese, hot lips brushing Javi’s skin and hand finding his, and Javi felt like every piece of a puzzle was now fitting in a right place.

 

 

When Javi woke up for the second time, he was alone. Well, not exactly, because there were two cats curled close to his feet, purring softly from time to time. Javi raised his head heavily and then let it drop, groaning quietly against the pillow. They curtains were drawn, but there was a stripe of light coming through a crack in between them, and Javi could feel its warmth somewhere on his cheek and neck.

Javi wasn’t too happy about being awake, but it was good to have a nice long sleep, and it was good to feel basically fully healthy. But then the memories of the night started flooding his head, and Javi gasped quietly, sitting up rapidly. Was it really…? He swallowed hard, feeling his heartbeat picking up, his fingers playing nervously with a hem on his blanket. He had spent the last weeks on feeling awful both physically and mentally, coughing and beating himself over all the wrong thing he had done. But now, with Yuzuru’s touch still lingering to his skin, it somehow… it felt better.

His train of thought was broken when he felt something warm and fluffy nuzzling into his palm and he saw Hoshi bumping against his hand, so he caressed her head absently before slowly getting out of the bed and quickly changing himself into some fresh clothes. Now, he could hear some muffled sounds coming from the kitchen, some quiet song playing on a radio and clanging of crockery. Javi swallowed hard, and he absently regretted that he didn’t have a mirror so he could check if he was looking decently or maybe like a total mess.

He was leaning more towards the mess option.

He just had to do it. He had spent the last few weeks on feeling miserable, and now, after what had happened last night, he had to man up and just face Yuzuru. Javi was feeling stronger than he had had in the past days, and he knew he could do it, and that he had to do it. He owed that to himself, and he owed that to Yuzuru, to be completely honest.

It felt like nothing was different, for a moment. Yuzuru was standing in the kitchen, humming quietly as he was making scrambled eggs, apparently, and the space was filled with the scent of fresh coffee. Javi stopped by the door, not really sure what to do; Yuzuru must have sensed his presence, because he turned around and smiled at him, small and soft.

“Good morning.” he said warmly “How are you feeling? You slept good?”

“Yeah.” Javi cleared his throat “I’m good. You?”

“I’m great.” Yuzuru said, smiling once again before turning back again to take care of breakfast “The coffee is ready, so pour yourself a cup, and the food will be ready in a second.”

Javi shifted awkwardly from one foot to another before slowly making his way to the counter and pouring himself a cup of coffee, and then hesitantly sitting down by the table. Maybe two minutes later Yuzuru was sitting down as well, putting the plates on the table and smiling at Javi.

They sat in silence, and the food was good, but Javi could barely swallow a few bites, because his throat was clenched weirdly. He glanced at Yuzuru, not sure if he was supposed to say something. Well, he knew that they should talk, they had to, but Javi was feeling anxious about what was going to happen.

What if, in the end, Yuzuru would decide that it wasn't what he wanted? That he didn't want Javi, and that he wouldn't want to give him, give them, another chance?

"Hey." Yuzuru said, nudging Javi's feet with his "You look like you're a million miles away now. Everything okay?"

His expression was open and slightly concerned, and Javi swallowed hard, putting his fork down and deciding that he couldn't survive that uncertainty anymore.

"Yuzu." he started, his fingers playing nervously with a tablecloth "What is going to happen now?"

Yuzuru stared at him for a moment, and then he sighed quietly, a soft smile forming on his lips.

"Now, we finish breakfast. And then we will talk, okay?"

Javi knew that there was no point in arguing, so he got back to his food, even though he wasn't hungry. He needed strength, though, and he needed energy, so he dutifully finished eating and then followed Yuzuru to the living room, a fresh cup of coffee almost burning his hands, his fingers wrapped around the thin faience tightly.

The living room was full of light, that dimmed sun of freezing morning painting patterns on every surface. They sat down on the sofa, close but not touching, and Javi thought that it was kind of funny, having one of the most important conversations of his life while barefoot and wearing his oldest, most washed out pyjamas. His heart was beating a bit faster than usual, and he was nervous, and maybe even a little bit scared. So, he kept on looking at the cup in his hand, too aware of Yuzuru's closeness and the weight of the moment, but then he felt a tentative touch on his knee, and his head snapped to look at Yuzuru.

"Javi." Yuzuru said, his smile small and warm "I meant it. Every word."

Javi gasped quietly, feeling relief creeping into his mind, but he knew that wasn't enough. Because deep inside, Javi was still feeling terrible, regret still coiling somewhere next to his heart, cold and painful.

"I-" Javi took a deep breath, eyes looking straight into Yuzuru's "Are you sure?"

It was the best question he could ask right now, the only one ringing in his head. Because maybe Yuzuru had already told him all about forgiveness, but Javi still wasn't sure.

How could he be sure, if he still wasn't able to forgive himself?

"Oh Javi." Yuzuru said, quiet, and there was a light in his eyes, warm and flickering "If there is anything, I'm completely sure about right now... is that I love you."

"You... you do?"

Yuzuru had already told him that, during that one night before the truth came into the light, but a part of Javi's mind was still refusing to process it, not really believing that he deserved it. And it must have been written all over his face, and it was clear in his voice, because Yuzuru smile turned even more gentle, almost unbearable.

"For so long. And I've been too much of a chicken to do anything about it. And then... then I forgot, and I fell in love with you all over again, but that time- that time I was brave." Yuzuru said, reaching to touch Javi's cheek, caressing his skin gently "So maybe, in the end... it all happened like it should."

"Don't say that." Javi said, his voice cracking a little, hand coming to cover Yuzuru's, keeping it close "I was-"

"You made a mistake, Javi." Yuzuru said firmly and without an ounce of judgement "A stupid one. Well, maybe a few mistakes." he chuckled, and Javi noticed that his eyes were just a little bit wet, just like his own "But never, even for a second... you never wanted to hurt me. Never."

Javi closed his eyes for a moment, unable to look at Yuzuru anymore, everything inside him trembling. It was quiet and warm, warm from the sun and Yuzuru's touch, and he didn't even realize a few tears finally escaped his eyes until Yuzuru chuckled wetly, his thumb rubbing Javi’s cheek. 

“I’m sorry.” Javi said tightly, desperately trying to keep himself together “I don’t want to make this all about myself, I just-”

“I know, Javi.” Yuzuru whispered, leaning in the close to distance between their lips “I know.”

 

* * *

 

Once again, they were taking it slow. 

They both needed time, and they both needed to come to terms with everything what had happened, and with their own feelings. They craved physical contact, sleeping in one bed almost every day, they kissed in the kitchen, they held hands while walking to work, everyone at the club sending them amused and fond smiles. They spent so much time together, walking, hanging out in coffee shops, cuddling on the sofa. Smiling, talking, and slowly letting all the wounds heal, slow and steady. It almost seemed like Yuzuru forgot, in some moment, when he smiled at Javi, taking his hand and talking about something excitedly, and it felt like all those months earlier, before the accident. But it was something that would always stay with them, and all they could do was to keep on loving each other and keep on trying. 

It took Javi a long time, to forgive himself, but Yuzuru was always there, ready to take this hand and remind him that they couldn’t change the past, and that they had to look what was ahead. 

“Toronto is so pretty during spring.” Yuzuru said as they slowly walked through a park one afternoon, the air still a bit chilly, but the rays of sun were caressing their faces warmly “You see these little- uh, how do you call it-?”

“Buds?” Javi offered, following Yuzuru’s hand pointing at a near tree covered in little green leaves.

“Exactly!” Yuzuru smiled “I like to watch when everything comes back from winter sleep.”

“Yeah. Seasons are fun.” Javi said, a bit absent, but Yuzuru clearly didn’t mind that, his clothed fingers caressing Javi’s palm. 

He was so incredibly patient, and sometimes Javi was feeling bad for still being in that weird mental state. In the end, he was the one who had messed up, and he felt that he didn’t deserve, to feel sorry for himself. But Yuzuru had nothing of that, and he just smiled at Javi even wider, stopping under a tree and gently tugging Javi’s hand. 

“Huh?” Javi blinked, a bit surprised, and Yuzuru only shook his head before stepping closer, standing on his tippy toes and brushing his lips against Javi’s “There is so much.” he whispered, one of his palms resting against Javi’s heart “Here. And here.” he added, touching Javi’s temple before cupping his face and bringing him closer again. The kiss was slow and deep, Yuzuru sucking on Javi’s bottom lip teasingly before sneaking his tongue inside his mouth, hot and sensual, and Javi felt his blood buzzing, warmth spreading to his limbs, and for a moment Javi forgot where they were, getting lost in the feeling, but then someone walked next to them, letting a quiet _Aww,_ and Yuzuru drew back a little, giggling quietly. 

“Okay?” he asked, rubbing Javi’s cheek, his expression so fond and gentle, and suddenly Javi felt as if something opened inside him, and there was something light and warm and freeing. 

“Like never before.” he said, leaning to kiss Yuzuru’s nose “Let’s go home now, okay?”

Yuzuru nodded, squeezing Javi’s hand tighter and not letting go until they reached their apartment. They didn’t talk much the whole way, but Javi felt that warmth inside him burning stronger and stronger, and he could feel some similar energy radiating from Yuzuru, something like fondness and anticipation at the same time. 

But when they got back home, the spell was weakened a little by their cats demanding food and attention, and then Yuzuru offered to make some tea. Javi decide to use that moment and excused himself to the bathroom, where he washed his hands and face, and then looked at himself in the mirror. 

"It's okay, Javi." he told himself "It's all going good. Don't panic. Don't make him uncomfortable, and it's all going to be fine."

"Hey." Yuzuru smiled at him from the soda when Javi walked into the living room "I made you that fancy one Jason gave us." 

"Thanks." Javi said, sitting next to Yuzuru, taking his cup to have a sip before putting it back again "So what are you- hey!" he yelped, surprised when suddenly Yuzuru swiftly moved to sit in his lap. 

"Hello." Yuzuru smiled, carding his hands through Javi's hair before resting them on his shoulders. 

"Hello." Javi answered, his lips going a bit dry "Uh, I-" 

"You." Yuzuru chuckled "I've been thinking about you." 

His eyes were filled with sparks and Javi swallowed hard, feeling heat coiling in his stomach, and he carefully put his hands on Yuzuru's hips. 

"I've been thinking about you too." Javi admitted, because it felt like a right thing to say, and well, it was the truth. They hadn't really done much, since that one night that was still alive in Javi's memory, burning, nagging, filling him with longing and desire. But at the same time, he was feeling anxious and unsure, and it must have been written all over his face, because Yuzuru's teasing smile dimmed a little, his expression turning thoughtful. 

"I-" he bit his lower lip, and then sighed, his shoulders relaxing as if he was coming to terms with something "I love you so much." 

"I love you too." Javi said, voice strained and honest "So much."

Yuzuru’s eyes were shining as he slowly slid his hands down Javi's chest, fingers playing with a hem of his shirt, and Javi knew where it was all leading, and his breathing hitched, his body tensing for the briefest of moments. 

"Are you okay?" Yuzuru asked, alarmed, and Javi swallowed hard, one hand coming to touch Yuzuru's face. 

"It's just… the last time-" he couldn’t finish, flame burning inside his chest, but Yuzuru understood, and his expression was filled with pain and love and understanding. 

"Don't you ever think that it was wrong." he said quietly, his voice trembling "I wanted you so much, no matter… no matter what. And I want you now, and I need you. But if you need time, I will give you all of it." 

"What have I done to deserve you?" Javi asked hoarsely, his heart hammering inside his chest, throat tight. 

"You're here." Yuzuru said leaning to rest his forehead against Javi's "You're always here."

It was so much different than before. Now, it was a quiet March afternoon, and there was no secrets or misunderstandings. Now, it was only them, touching each other with trembling fingers, breaths mingling, hearts pounding. They both laughed breathlessly when Yuzuru almost fell off Javi's lap while trying to get rid of his pants, or when he threw away everything he had in his training bag in search of what they needed. It was a bit nervous but comfortable, thrilling and so special. 

Javi felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest, a small sob escaping his throat, fingers digging into Yuzuru’s flesh, and he tried to keep himself still as Yuzuru was slowly letting their bodies join. It was almost painful, the overwhelming intimacy, and how beautiful Yuzuru looked like that, hair messy and face scrunched with focus and pleasure. And when Yuzuru opened his eyes to look at him, happy and full of love, it felt a bit like an absolution. 

Yuzuru smiled, with all the softness in the world, and touched Javi's cheek with a tender gesture. 

"You might not like what I’ll tell you now.” he murmured, his thumb caressing Javi’s lower lip “But I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Javi let out a strained sob that quickly turned into a moan as Yuzuru started moving, slow, careful, as if he wanted to cherish every second. 

And maybe, maybe he was right. Maybe they needed to get through all that pain and challenges, maybe they had to make all those mistakes, they had to forgive, they had to fight. They had to learn what they wanted, and how to love each other, and how to be who they wanted to be. 

And as Javi held Yuzuru in his arms, warm and trembling and perfect- he thought that probably, he wouldn't change a thing either. 

 


	13. Chapter 13

Javi woke up in a hot room, feeling soft lips nibbling at his neck teasingly. He smiled, not opening his eyes, and he sighed contentedly, tipping his head back for better access.

"Good morning." Yuzuru murmured, wrapping one leg around Javi's waist, moving even closer "I've been trying to wake you up for ages." he complained, but his tone was light and teasing, and Javi couldn't help it- he had to open his eyes and look at Yuzuru's face, that was so close and adorned with a lazy, fond smile, and Javi's heart fluttered.

"Hello." he said, reaching to brush Yuzuru's bangs away, hair and skin a little bit sweaty after the warm night "You slept good?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, leaning to nuzzle against Javi's chin "But I'm really looking forward to that new fan."

"We're going to get it today." Javi promised, wrapping his arm around Yuzuru's waist to keep him close "But don't tell me you prefer freezing Toronto nights over this?"

"Hmm, let me think." Yuzuru hummed, shifting to lay on top of Javi, lips finding his neck again, touches light and playful, and Javi sighed again, eyelids fluttering, fingers tangling in Yuzuru's hair loosely.

"And what's the verdict?" he asked sleepily as Yuzuru continued his ministrations down Javi's body, his laughter tickling Javi's skin.

"I think-" Yuzuru said, resting his chin on Javi's stomach and looking at him with sparks in his eyes "I think every place is good, with you."

Javi didn't say anything to that, words catching in his throat, but he moved his hand to Yuzuru's nape, fingers circling slowly, enjoying the familiar tingling under his fingertips.

There was something magical about all the  lazy mornings like these, no matter where they were, bathed in the bright light falling through the crack in the curtains, painting patterns on their skin and on the sheets, and everything was warm and quiet and perfect, feeling like summer blooming just outside the windows.

"Oh." Javi gasped when Yuzuru's lips travelled lower "If you keep on doing that, we will wake up everyone else."

"Tragedy." Yuzuru mumbled, biting lightly at the soft skin on the inside of Javi's thigh, making him groan quietly with both pleasure and amusement.

"Listen, I don't want to hear Laura teasing me about the noise ever agai -"

"I know." Yuzuru chuckle, moving up to nuzzle against Javi's belly button before crawling up Javi's body to look him in the eyes again "My Spanish is great, don't you know?"

"Oh yeah?" Javi asked, sliding his hand through Yuzuru's hair again, his fingers curling lightly.

"Mhh." Yuzuru hummed, his smile playful, his lips against Javi's "Te quiero mucho. Muchísimo."

They kissed, slow and lingering, before Yuzuru pulled back with a sigh, his fingers painting playful circles on Javi's chest.

"I will go shower first, okay?"

"Sure." Javi said, taking Yuzuru's palm and kissing it briefly, drawing a quiet giggle out of him.

Yuzuru shook his head, his smile amused, and collected his things quickly before quietly making his way to the bathroom. Javi sighed sleepily, closing his eyes for a moment, letting himself fall back in a shallow half- slumber, his body limp and relaxed.

It felt almost too comfortable, lying on a cosy bed in his old bedroom, the air maybe too hot but bringing so many good memories; he could hear water humming in the pipes quietly, and he could hear his mom pacing past his door and straight to the kitchen, eager to start preparing everything for the day. And it felt good, to be back in his home country, in those familiar walls, and it was great to have Yuzuru there, meeting his family.

They had met before, of course, but it was truly the first time Yuzuru was there as Javi's boyfriend, officially-

Javi opened his eyes, sleep drifting away in mere seconds. It's been months since the events that had put their lives upside down, and now the new reality wasn't scary; they were in a good place, a perfect place, but Javi still felt a little uneasy, going back to those cold winter weeks. He wasn't beating himself over it, not anymore, accepting the fact that he deserved his own forgiveness too; but still, the memories were still painful, like little stings inside his chest, and Javi winced, rubbing over his breastbone. He was glad Yuzuru wasn't there, because he could always tell when Javi was thinking about it, and he hated seeing Javi still so upset about it. Yuzuru himself seemed to bury all the unpleasant memories in the past, always saying that it had made them stronger.

The only person knowing the whole story was Laura, and they wanted it to stay that way. There was no need to involve more people into this, not when life was so good and calm now.

"Hey."

Javi flinched, blinking quickly, realizing that he had drifted away for a moment

"The shower's free, go until Laura steals it." Yuzuru said, leaning down to kiss Javi's cheek, his breath minty fresh "Chop chop, I heard your mom making coffee already."

"Yeah, I'm running." Javi said, sitting up slowly and stretching his arms and wincing when his joints cracked "Okay, maybe not."

"You poor thing." Yuzuru cooed, petting Javi's hair and then kissing the top of his head "I will go to the kitchen to check if your mom needs help."

"You're perfect." Javi smiled "I'll be there in a few minutes."

Yuzuru nodded, giving Javi one more smile before leaving the room again, and a few seconds later Javi heard a cheerful chatter between his father and Yuzuru, and his heart grew, filled with calm and fondness.

With every day, all the painful memories from the past were fading away, bit by bit, and even though Javi knew they would stay with them, a symbol of what they had to go through to find each other, for real.

 

* * *

 

"Now, this is a quality break." Javi said, taking a sip of his beer and sighing contentedly "This thing is so damn heavy." he added, his foot nudging the box standing on the ground next to their table.

"But we won't be boiling during nights." Yuzuru pointed out, applying sunscreen on his face "This country is so hot. But I love it." he said, smiling sweetly, and Javi grinned back before looking around, happiness setting in his chest.

It was a beautiful day, maybe a bit too hot indeed, but it was so pleasant, to sit in a shadow of an umbrella, cold drinks in hands, watching people passing them by and talking to Yuzuru, who looked extremely relaxed and comfortable, and who was currently grinning like an idiot, looking over Javi's shoulder.

"I think we have fans." he said in a loud whisper, waving, and Javi turned around to see two elder Japanese ladies, standing in a respectful distance and staring at them, gaping a little. Javi smiled widely, waving at them as well before turning to Yuzuru as well.

The secret had come to the surface a little over a month ago, when a cameraman from a Korean tv crew caught a glimpse of them kissing briefly behind the soda machine. It exploded in the Internet, and suddenly they had to deal with all that attention they once managed to escape. It was a part of the reason why they had been in Spain for two weeks now, successfully hiding from all the nosy media. Yuzuru was handling it well, though, not really paying attention to any of that, one more proof for how many things had changed.

"That's cute." Yuzuru said, smiling sweetly, and suddenly all Javi could think about was their first kiss, that timid, gentle moment, and Javi still remembered that dull aching of his heart, and how much he wanted to confess, but fear took best out of him. 

But somehow, despite that painful mess, they had found their way too each other, and even though Javi regretted some things he had done, in the end, all of that was worth it. 

"It's so beautiful in here." Yuzuru sighed, face scrunching in a smile, and Javi hummed quietly, weighing a question that had been on his mind for the past few days. 

"Beautiful enough to stay here longer?"

Yuzuru blinked, a flash of surprise running through his face until his expression relaxed again. 

"You remember what I told you this morning, right?" Yuzuru asked softly and then tilted his head a little, playful sparks playing in his eyes "At least I wouldn't have to worry that you'll freeze your toes and ears off-" 

"You're so mean, I can't deal with you." Javi whined dramatically, leaning over a table to catch Yuzuru's hand "Okay, I guess I can. But you're such a pain."

"Mhh." Yuzuru chuckled, leaning closer as well, their noses touching "I guess it's a good thing you love me, yes?" 

"Yes." Javi murmured, his thumb brushing over Yuzuru's wrist "It's even better that you love me too." 

Their kiss was slow and gentle, and just like every time before, it felt like falling in love all over again- warm, quiet, and absolutely right. And as they drew back, Yuzuru smiling widely, his eyes shining with love, Javi just knew that there was no other option- nothing what had happened in the past could stop their future, the one they were going to spend together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's the end of the ride guys! Thank you so much for reading, for all the kudos and amazing comments, you guys are the best. Also the biggest thanks to my wonderful beta, without whom that fic wouldn't exist.  
> Once again, thank you so much, and I hope you'll join me on another journey soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments and thank you so much for reading.


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